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Published August 01, 2008 More Info »
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Published August 01, 2008

First you must find the rare, blue flower that grows on the lower slopes. Pick this flower. If you can carry it to the top of the mountain, then you may begin your training...


This world we live in is full of peril. We all need a way of dealing with that peril. The Butt Ninja Manifesto will give you the tools you need to combat the peril...unless you're in the Castle Anthrax.

there is a lot more to being a Butt Ninja than being able to disappear in a cloud of foul smelling smoke...

First and foremost you must be vigilant in you paranoia and skepticism. these are your sword and your shield against a merciless world.

Your body must be in peak physical condition according to the Butt Ninja Diet:

         PLAIN Cheerios for breakfast

         Popeye's chicken strips w/ red beans and rice for lunch

         6 Frozen Taquitos for dinner (don't eat them frozen...use a toaster oven at 400           degrees for 13 minutes)

         1 pack of Camel Lights (per day)

         2 Bong hits (of pot) every 2 & 1/2 hours

         (at least) 1 Liter of Mountain Dew

         Drink Ensure or eat Activia Yogurt as your between meals snacks

         Beef Jerky is also and acceptable foodstuff for the Butt Ninja

The Butt Ninja fears all confrontation and must move as quickly as possible from one destination to the next.

The Butt Ninja must be an expert in making cat noises as a defense mechanism if you are ever trapped or your position is inadvertantly given away.

The Butt Ninja must choose a "Life Art" to follow. This is to give purpose to the words and actions of the Butt Ninja. However, once your "Life Art" is chosen you must keep to it, and every waking moment, every action, every verbal utterance must come with your "Life Art" in mind. At first this seems to be an impossible undertaking, but you will find it more natural as you grow comfortable with your Butt Ninja-ness.

The true Butt Ninja cannot retain a permanent address for too long, and always keep two seperate residences ready and available at all times. In case The Man is watching...

The Butt Ninja must not hold any job for a period lasting longer than 18 months.

The Butt Ninja must be an expert at entering and exiting the female anus, undetected*

          *BEWARE THE SECOND SPHINCTER!


The Butt Ninja absolutely must have a hand selected arch nemisis. your arch nemisis doesn't have to know this, but you must, must, MUST have one. preferrably someone you see almost every day. you are to treat this nemisis with the utmost DISrepect. continually voicing your hatred and displeasure at everything about their existance...but give NO explaination for this behavior, just do it, and be consistant. this works best on a roommate or sibling.

An important step in becoming a Butt Ninja is creating your own theme song. you can make up your own words to a tune that already exists, or you can come up with your own totally original song. but if you do not have an original (or semi-original) theme song, you are not a Butt Ninja.

Your theme song may change as often as you like.

An inherant hatred and mistrust for the opposite sex is expected, but ultimately unnecessry...but an irresistable obsession toward at least one, but no more than three, of their unique body parts is required.

The Butt Ninja is either incredibly filthy or incredibly neat...no in between...again, you may choose which works best for you, but you must stick to it!

Eye contact with unknown humans is UNACCEPTABLE

The Butt Ninja must have AT LEAST 2 surprising artificial features proving that pain is nothing...like a small tatoo or a genital piercing

Above all Butt Ninja must be able to blend into any surrounding and if unable to blend, look so uncomfortable to no one would dare approach (a suggestion would be to fein dope-sickness, or, if you are able, fart loudly/potently, both, if possible).

Becoming a Butt Ninja is not a matter to be taken lightly. The dedication necessary has broken many a good man...For there are no breaks or days off, you either are a Butt Ninja or you are not. You adhere to your Diet. Stay true to your "Life Art". And for Christ's sake, remain invisible at all times. We can't have people fucking looking at us. fuck.






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