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Published October 24, 2011

Las Vegas – Rick Perry continued to attack Mitt Romney’s credibility today, raising doubts about his stance on the issue of ass wiping. “We had a bathroom break at the debate, and I saw him through a crack in the stall, sitting there with wet wipes,” Mr. Perry announced.

“The American people want to know where their president stands. He was a porcelain warming liberal in Massachusetts, and now suddenly he’s a vertical crack cleaning hole hygienist. Something stinks.”

Mr. Romney countered with a 57 point plan explaining the benefits of standing, including “fecal inspection, easier anus access, enhanced leverage, and reduced risk of dead leg.”

“When I’m president, I will sign an Executive Order, on day one, requiring the removal of auto-flush sensors in bathroom stalls. No more false alarms and wasted water. That’s a promise.”

Ron Paul objected that the government has no business in people’s bathrooms. “There’s nothing in the Constitution about water closets. Or public sewers. Private enterprise can clean things up just fine.”

Newt Gingrich, the self-proclaimed idea man and intellectual among the candidates, offered a fresh alternative to sitting versus standing. “I’ve been wearing adult diapers for years. I’m on the road constantly for my book tours, and they are incredibly absorbent. I shit myself all time. It's wonderful."

Former pizza executive Herman Cain refused to weigh in on either side, instead referring again to the numbers 9-9-9. “Nine squares, nine wipes, nine minutes. Works every time.”

Mr. Perry has seized on the issue to drive home the point that Mr. Romney lacks authenticity. “I didn’t start standing when it was convenient. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon and a golden toilet seat. I grew up with an outhouse, with fire ants, and you didn’t sit longer than you had to.”

With Mr. Romney on the defensive, the debate could dominate the campaign ahead. “I think it’s the most important issue of our time,” declared Representative Michele Bachman. “Jesus was a stander.”

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