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May 01, 2009


Alex "A-Roid" Rodriguez has to be one of the dumbest athletes in modern sports. He's getting paid $33 million per year, as part of a 52-year contract, so he's set for life. Yet he resorts to using steroids. Why? He clearly has it all. He's already on pace to break Bonds' home-run "record." Besides that, he's known as the best offensive hitter in the game, when healthy. The staff and myself racked our brains over why the slugger feels he needed the extra edge. Having been stumped, we came up with 10 reasons why he doesn't need steroids, in hopes of convincing the vain ballplayer to lay off the juice.


The Top 10 Reasons why A-Roid doesn't need steroids:

10) Who wants b***h t**s? Furthermore, who wants to be called "B***h T**s" by your teammates? That's gotta make you feel like Cartman.

9) If it's a close call at first, just slap the first baseman's arm. The ball's guaranteed to come out of his glove, and you'll be called safe. It worked on the Red Sox in the ALCS when...wait, you should remember that.

8) Have Madonna work her Kabbalah magic on you. If she refuses, tell her no more booty calls.

7) It's impossible NOT to homer at the new Yankee Stadium. Even Melky's gone deep. 

6) Do you really want to be on "The Surreal Life"?

5) If all else fails, you can pitch for the Yankees.

4) Time shouldn't be spent making out with your arms in front of the mirror. Your biceps don't need that much love. They love you, but they aren't IN LOVE with you.

3) It's a little too early to stop hating on Bonds.

2) Bud Selig, I mean, "Mike Rithgen," would rather you send them to his house, instead.

1) You're making $13 million more per year than Jeter. Isn't bragging rights enough?