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November 16, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Walmart employees in 12 states are threatening to strike on Black Friday. Because without employees at Walmart on Black Friday, who knows how many people would get beaten and/or pepper sprayed?

Google says it has invested $1 billion thus far into renewable energy. When asked if they'd also consider nuclear power, Google said, "I'm feeling lucky."

Responding to a harsh restaurant review from the New York Times, Guy Fieri said the reviewer was trying to make a name for himself. Yeah, no one knows who you are, Pete Wells, five-time James Beard Foundation Journalism Award winner.

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta is ordering a review of military ethics training. If successful, he'll look into other oxymorons as well.

BP says it will pay $4.5 billion for its role in the Gulf oil spill. "Oh no, that took us a whole week to make," said BP as sarcastically as possible.

In addition, two BP employees will face manslaughter charges for their role in the disaster. Here they are leaving a meeting with their lawyers http://goo.gl/zO3ml

New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman subpoenaed two major power companies for documents about their response to Hurricane Sandy. Said the power companies with their hands over a switch, "Good luck reading them...in the dark!"

President Obama visited Staten Island on Thursday. He said things were so bad, he thought they dropped him off in New Jersey.

Republican Gov. Bobby Jindal criticized Mitt Romney for saying Obama was re-elected for promising gifts. But what gift did Obama promise to give Bobby Jindal in return for criticizing Mitt Romney?

The European Union has fallen back into a recession. Friends keep calling it but it just goes straight to voicemail. It's not even going to work.

Mets knuckleballer R.A. Dickey was awarded the Cy Young Award. Dickey known for throwing a pitch opponents can't seem to hit, or as it's known in Washington, D.C., an Obama.

Over the last four years, 13 deaths related to 5-Hour Energy drinks have been reported. To be fair, anything that happens after that fifth hour isn't really their responsibility.