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October 22, 2012

What you are about to read are excerpts from my autobiography. You might not know me but I implore you to explore my world of shame and awkward experiences. They will not be in any particular order; I will be jumping from my teenage years, earliest memories to present day. I hope you enjoy.


My First Kiss:

Before I tell you about my first kiss I want to tell you about my first experience witnessing teenagers kiss. My parents took my sister and I to see Grumpy Old Men one Friday. The movie was over and I was walking with my parents out of the theater as the credits rolled. In the very back of the theater I saw three teenage couples pretty much lying as far back in the seats as humanly possible making their best attempts to make a baby. I thought to myself: “That’s what teenagers do?…Get nasty with each other?”

I am not sure the exact age of my first kiss but I would say it was around the age of fourteen or fifteen. Learning from my Grumpy Old Men experience I decided to take her to a movie so I picked a movie that I knew no one would be in…Serendipity. My first kiss was not as innocent and sweet as many of you might have experienced. It was dirty…real dirty. First I held her hand during the previews and made snide remarks at how crappy these other movies looked. Halfway through when the plot should have climaxed I leaned over to her and began to give her the wettest and sloppiest kiss (A porn star kiss, I’m just into your body and I don’t care about how fucked up your childhood was type kiss.) I began to mimic the moves that I witnessed on that fateful day and it got nasty quick. I was groping and feeling things that I only imagined doing every day of my life since I was eleven. (just fondling and kissing). I used to daydream about holding a girl’s hand…I was a fat and ugly child.

After thirty minutes of this I had no idea what to do next so I excused myself to the bathroom where I shamefully had to walk through a crowded concession stand with an unambiguous bulge.

WHY ON EARTH DID I THINK WEARING THESE THIN ZIP OFF AT THE KNEE KHAKIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! THEY HIDE NOTHING! NOTHING!!! Once in the bathroom I arranged my situation into the upright position tucked behind my waistband, and splashed some water on my face because I was clearly on a new level of arousal that I have never experienced. I looked at my moistened face in the mirror and thought to myself “This is what it feels like to be a real teenager. I wonder if I can pull this same stunt with Jessica?”

Getting Caught:

I have many instances of getting caught in the pursuit of what can only be described as getting my sin badges. In church they always had people go up and give testimonies and they most interesting ones were when they did some pretty messed up stuff that the church frowned upon then they came to Jesus.

At a very young age I figured that if I am going to buy into this Christianity I am going to have to develop one hell of a testimony and get into as much shit as possible. I always admired the men that went up to give their testimony and it was filled with drug use and promiscuous sex then they turn their life around. Give up all that good stuff? What are you stupid? Then it turns out that he fell in love with a woman and Jesus was the only way to get in them jeans. I hear you brother.. Preach.

This particular instance was with my second real girlfriend one of few that I didn’t meet in youth group. I told my parents that we were just good friends and there was nothing sexual going on between us. What I didn’t tell them was that we had been making out in my car after school for the past three weeks when I was supposed to be at Fellowship of Christian Athletes meetings.

We were watching my make out movie of choice, The Scorpion King. Every time I want to put the moves on a girl I suggest we watch a DVD and if it’s The Scorpion King she knows we are about to get naughty in a real way. In my life I have “seen” this movie over a hundred times and still don’t know what happens in the movie other than every time I looked up it just looked dusty.

The Scorpion King is playing on my parents’ now modest big screen TV in the living room. My parents trusted me enough to stay in their room while I had company over. For all they knew I was a “good boy.” We began to kiss on the awful tan leather sofa that now sits in my sister’s apartment in Boone, NC. (Sorry Leann, please skip this section.) Things warmed up and the feeling of love that my penis gives me was in full bloom. I unbutton her jeans and begin to do something with my middle two fingers that I had only done a few times before. We are hiking up Mount Climax and we are almost to the top. I am kissing her and the moaning is getting louder than what I was comfortable with and in my peripheral vision I see my father open the front door exiting for a cigarette. There is no doubt he witnessed what his son was doing to that poor girl. The door shuts and the awful feeling of getting caught overwhelms both of us. She zips up her American Eagle jeans (I only mention this because it is stuck in my memory because of the thin fabric and slight ripping that took place as my large hand was stuffed down them.) We sit next to each other for a second while the sin covers my hand. Instinctively I place my hands over my face in shame to which I had immediately forgotten where they had been. We both come to the conclusion that she should leave and I will deal with the repercussions of getting caught by my father. I walked her out to her car where my dad watched our every move from the porch. She leaves and I go sit next to my dad expecting the most awkward talking to that I would ever receive. “Are you guys still just friends?” my dad asked. Being that we had made nothing official yet I said “Yeah, still just friends.” He replied with a smirk on his face “Wish I had friends like that.” We never told my mother a damn thing.