Millennials are getting older and are beginning to carry their way of life out of schools, malls, and teen dance clubs and into the grown-up worlds of business, realty, and lower bowl seats at NBA games. There are bound to be conflicts in style when generations are forced to interact in the adult world, but should us “older folks” be worried?
Millennials live a weird, dangerous lifestyle that is ruining humanity. The following are six alarming trends that I have noticed millennials shoving down our throats.
1. Spending all day eating their iPhones.
Not too long ago it was considered normal to chat with the people around you when you weren’t doing anything else, like while you were waiting in line at the post office or movie theater. Heck, I met my wife while waiting in a line to buy a hoagie sandwich. Millennials, on the other hand, never look up from chewing and swallowing their smart phones. It’s like they’re in their own little world when they’re eating those things. Wake up, millennials, look up from devouring your iPhones; there’s a big beautiful world out there with many people in lines just waiting to chat!
2. Living in their parents’ home long after their parents have moved to a new house.
It used to be that when you turned 18, you went to college or moved into an apartment on the poor side of town that had cracks in the walls and an ethnic landlord until you got a promotion at the factory. Nowadays, though, millennials are shirking that rite of passage altogether by staying in their parents’ homes long after their parents have moved to a new home. Millennials don’t think twice about squatting in their parents’ old abandoned house long after the furniture has been removed and the water and heat have been cut off. They’ll sleep on cold tile floors using newspapers and old rolls of paper towels as blankets till they’re well into their 30s sometimes, just so they can save on rent. Here’s an idea, millennials, get a job and get out into the world!
3. Wearing tight pants and loose shirts as one outfit.
It may sound cliché, but millennials have taken fashion one step too far. Traditionally, fashionable outfits have consisted of wearing very tight pants with very tight shirts if you’re feeling sexy or, conversely, wearing loose baggy pants with an oversized baggy shirt if you’re feeling casual. Millennials, believing they are special and can do no wrong, have mutated those time-tested formulas into a profane mix of tight pants with loose shirts. So tell me, millennials, when I see one of you wearing this, am I supposed to think you are trying to be sexy or casual? IT CAN’T BE BOTH GODDAMMIT!
4. Never cussing.
I fucking love to cuss and so do all my friends. It’s simply the most effective way to emphasize just how much you fucking love some goddamn thing or another or how bad you hate some shitty old piece of crap. Millennials, on the other hand, never cuss and as a result, it’s impossible to tell how they really feel. For instance, when you’re hot and very thirsty and finally get a big gulp of ice cold water, you should follow it up by regarding the glass and saying, “Fucking right.” Millennials are more likely to just let out an “mmmm tasty” leaving me to wonder what the hell they’re even thinking? Just commit, millennials. Be honest and sincere about something for once instead of stacking layers and layers of indecipherable code on what should be a straightforward declaration, you fucking assholes.
5. Constantly taking photos of old, broken-down houses.
Some of my most cherished possessions are old photographs. And the reason they are beautiful and poignant and so special to me is because they are singular, visual vestiges of times gone by. That is to say, there are not a million of them. Millennials have corrupted the distinction of photos of old broken-down houses by constantly taking photo after photo of old, broken-down houses. Instead of looking at old broken-down houses in person and reflecting on the lives lived underneath the crumbling roof or the strong, chapped hands that built the now dilapidated walls, millennials are propping screens between them and reality and snapping dozens, sometimes hundreds of photos of old, broken-down houses.
What do millennials even do with all their photos of old broken-down houses? Probably post them on the internet. I wouldn’t know; I don’t follow any millennials.
6. Always having a little bit of a cold.
My whole life I’ve abided by the time-honored custom of staying home from work when I am sick, as not to infect anyone else. Also, I get sick once or twice a year, and take care of it by taking DayQuil and NyQuil when the box tells me to. Millennials, though, always seem a little bit sick and it’s, at best, off-putting and at worst, a serious threat to the American way of life. Every millennial I’ve ever talked to has had the sniffles and found a way to work into our conversation that they were either “coming down with something” or “just getting over something.” They refuse to take DayQuil or NyQuil and they have constantly runny noses as a result.
Illustrations By: Brian Taylor