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November 09, 2015
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A vacation idea that seems odd, but just might work

How To Have A Thoroughly Enjoyable Vacation–At Home

Everyone is thinking about taking a vacation. The time of year doesn’t matter. We are often thinking about not being at work and enjoying our free time–except if you really, really like your job. You guys can kiss off. This is for the average Joe. But here’s a twist on the standard go-out-of-town vacation. Take one in your own home!

Here is what you need to do before the “at home” vacation begins:

1. Clean your house, dammit! No one likes a dusty, stinky hotel room at the beginning of a vacation. Just buckle down and do it. Or hire someone to do it. When your “at home” vacation begins, you will be glad you did.

2. Stop the mail for one week (or however long you need). And don’t look at any bills that are pending. Just put that crap away.

3. Stock up on all the great food and drink you never buy–except when you are on vacation. Upgrade your stock of beer, wine and liquor, and purchase the fun foods you like most. Pork products are always a good choice.

4. Hire people to mow the lawn, work on the garden, and do all your routine maintenance. You don’t want to have to worry about that shit.

5. Rent a really cool car, something you would never buy for yourself, but would thoroughly enjoy for a week (or two) like a Hummer or a Cadillac or a Smart car (to put in the back of the Hummer, of course).

Here is what you need to consider when you begin your totally awesome, brilliantly planned “at home” vacation (not necessarily in this order):

1. Watch all the movies you want–anytime of day or night. Have movie marathons that include your favorite actors, actresses, trilogies, tragedies, comedies, etc. Watch a documentary for cripes’ sake!

2. Go often to sporting events, theater productions, or concerts that you might enjoy. Consider the non-professional and amateur events you always avoid. These can be quite good, or quite bad (in a funny way). You get the idea.

3. Stay up late if you like and sleep in–everyday!

4. Visit places in your area that you have been wanting to go to, but never have the time. Or you might have the time, but always put off for another day. Take that trip to the Gigantic Mall an hour away. Sign up for that tour of the local salt mines. Visit the historical museum in your town. Go to a library for once in your life!

5. Learn a new skill you have never had time for … actually, scrap that idea. It sounds too much like work.

6. Hang out with your friends a lot and make new ones.

7. Indulge yourself in all the things you like to do–TIMES 10! Watch ten sci-fi movies. Try ten different types of cheese. Make ten scarves, but again that seems more like work. Anyway, you know what I mean.

If you are thinking to yourself, “I already do all these things,” then you need to get out of town and take a “real” vacation. I hope your hot water tank bursts as soon as you board that jet.

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