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October 15, 2014

52 steps to ensuring the greatest Halloween of your life.


1) Ask Siri what you have lined up for Halloween this year.
2) When she says, “No appointments today,” tell her, “Yeah, well, neither do you, lady!”
3) Decide to just stay in, watch AMC’s FearFest, and pass out candy.
4) Greet seven-year-old Trick or Treat-er.
5) Tell her how much you love her Mrs. Shrek costume!!
6) Majorly backpedal when she says, “…I’m Cinderella.”
7) Make good by giving out full-sized candy bars and whatever cash is in your wallet.
8) Let word of your generosity spread through the neighborhood and become the most popular house on the block.
9) Try explaining you don’t usually hand out cash and full-sized bars, you just felt badly for the little fat girl who thought she could pull off Cinderella.
10) Get reminded by angry parent it’s not really up to you what a seven-year-old girl can and can’t pull off.
11) Apologize by just pouring what’s left of the candy bowl directly into the bag.
12) Realize you’ve got nothing left in the kitchen except for baking soda and a couple of loose M&Ms.
13) Pop those M&Ms and turn back on AMC’s FearFest.
14) Realize that green M&M is sorta … sexy?
15) Rationalize this thought with a “Not in a ‘I’d-fuck-a-candy’ kinda way. Just like … she’s pretty is all.”
16) Jesus Christ, where are your hands going?
17) NO. You are NOT going to spend Halloween masturbating to the Green M&M!
18) You just gotta get out the house. You know what, it’s YOUR turn to trick or treat!
19) Search the apartment for a last-minute costume.
20) Decide to just go out in what you’ve already got on and say you’re an Undercover Cop!
21) Knock on random dude’s door.
22) Oof. This is awkward. You guys went to high school together.
23) Get thrown off guard and accidentally say, “Truth or dare” instead of “Trick or treat.”
24) Get very taken aback when the man says, “Truth.”
25) Realize you gotta follow through on this now and say, “How come we weren’t friends in high school?”
26) Have painful flashback when he says, “An 11th grader shitting their pants in gym is sorta unpopular by default…”
27) Explain you weren’t feeling well that day!!
28) Apologize for shitting your pants again just now.
29) Make amends, borrow some pants, and get invited inside to his party.
30) Decide this is the year you finally meet someone!!
31) Walk up to cute girl and say, “You think these decorations are scary?! My apartment is covered in REAL spiderwebs!”
32) Once she walks away, scan the party for someone new to talk to.
33) Holy shit this guy’s friends with Christina Aguilera and Cee-Lo?!
34) Decide to break the ice by playing that Halloween game where you’re like ,“These are his eyes!” and it’s peeled grapes, “These are his brains” and it’s Jell-O, etc.
35) When you get to “These are his balls,” use your real balls.
36) Get politely asked to leave.
37) Say, “No, I think I’ll stay.”
38) Get less politely asked to leave.
39) Yell, “Fine! No one here’s as hot as the Green M&M anyways! Except maybe Christina Aguilera and Cee-Lo! If you two combined, you’d actually kinda resemble her!”
40) Nudge the two together and mime taking a mental photo for later.
40) Kick some dirt while you watch the party from the street and consider shitting your pants a third time.
42) Have a cop pull up and question you about why you’re loitering.
43) Tell him, “It’s fine, Officer. As you can see, I’m an undercover cop.”
44) Wow, that worked!
45) Decide to see how far you can take this.
46) Stop a bunch of kids and say “I’m undercover cop! Green M&Ms carry Ebola, give me all your Green M&Ms!”
47) Ignore the one jerk kid who’s like, “Why do you need to be undercover to catch Ebola?” You’ll enjoy eating his candy the most.
48) Return home with pillowcase full of M&Ms.
49) Pick out all the greens, give the other colors to your dog.
50) Fuck. Dogs can’t have chocolate.
51) Remember that “All Dogs Go to Heaven” so this is actually a GOOD thing this happened.
52) There’s still an hour left of Halloween so toss that pooch in the party guy’s yard for one last scare.