2015 has been a wild ride and as we buckle up once again to plunge into the unknown depths of a new year, we cannot help but look back and remember those who cannot join us as we move forward. Yes, of course there were a bunch of people who died (RIP, for real) but the most tragic loss of 2015 was “facts.” Join us as we remember the year facts were sent out to sea on a flaming canoe.
Early in the year, we witnessed the first attack on facts.
NBC news anchor Brian Williams admitted to lying about an Iraq War story, saying a helicopter he’d been in had been hit and forced to land. This wasn’t true.
As upsetting as that was, we tried to look the other way. Facts and their importance couldn’t die? Surely not. This was one case, you know, just a rogue case of a man whose job it is to report facts, not reporting facts.
Then the world was stopped dead in their tracks by a literal fashion emergency.
White and gold? Blue and black? Sanity and peace of mind? No one could figure out the color of this dress. Technically the truth was that it was black and blue, but 30% of people saw it as white and gold. People’s core beliefs in their own vision were being slaughtered left and right. We were all very unstable. Would the sanctity of the “fact” remain in tact if what we were looking at couldn’t even be agreed upon? Hopefully.
And honestly it seemed like it until we met….
Well, fuck. It didn’t matter if you were a white woman. You could just say you were black. You could just become a leader in your local chapter of the NAACP. Bye bye facts, the world is already digging your grave.
Politicians sent a hitman out for facts.
It wouldn’t be a fair trial without cross examining lie-thropologists, aka politicians. Ever clever, these fact-hating men and women worked tirelessly to trip up and slip some sleepers into fact’s drinks this year. Here’s a look at some anti-fact crimes by people in or trying to fight their way into our government.
Rep. Jason Chaffetz used this graph against Planned Parenthood’s CEO Cecile Richards in her Congressional Hearing. Looking at it you might think it’s a big “fuck you” to Richards, but being as you’re probably aware that 327,000 is less than 935,573 and therefore shouldn’t be higher on the graph, it’s actually a big “fuck you” to facts.
Here we have a map tweeted out by Ben Caron’s campaign. Seems harmless enough until you notice the freshly mangled New England. Seems like Carson’s campaign is “Saying No” to facts and “Yes” to a fictional coast line for New York State.
The man with no merit, Donald Trump, tweeted out this graphic from the not-real government agency, “Crime Statistics Bureau.” None of these numbers are real. The only thing real about this image is that real tacky image of a militant gangster. Also, Donald Trump really did win the Politifact Lie of The Year award for just living his true self, I guess?
Each lie he tells is a deeper twist of the knife in fact’s back.
It wasn’t just charts, either! Some lies were coming straight from the babes’ mouths! Carly Fiorina looked right into a camera and said she watched a video of a Planned Parenthood doctor saying they must harvest the brain of a fully formed fetus. Unless that is a terrifying Fiorina home video, that clip has never been seen because it doesn’t exist. It’s just another lying smack in the face for facts, which at this point in the year are on their last dying breath.
The last nail in the fact coffin.
The holidays rolled around, people were putting up their wreathes and bundling up, excited to drink hot cocoa. Just kidding. The long held truth that it is cold in the wintertime just isn’t true anymore. It’s 60° on Christmas and people are wrapping their scarves around themselves like loin cloths.
There is no more stability. No one is okay. You can’t even tell people you are okay, because Adele’s 25 is out and no one has been even remotely emotionally stable since that release. Saying otherwise is a lie. It is not a fact.
The only “fact” that remains,which at this point is honestly just a shadow of a fact, and more of dogma we’re all mercifully grasping onto, is that we’re all doomed.
Happy 2015 everyone! This year sucked! And that’s the truth!
Can you think of a fact death we missed? Put it in the comments.