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July 04, 2008


Now, you may be wondering, "Wait Jean-Claude Van Damme isn't a furry woodland animal! I want my money back!", but, Jean-Claude Van Damme is the product of a once in a lifetime cross-breeding of a beaver, a raccoon, and a squirrel. Plus these are free, ass.

Jean-Claude Van Damme worked security during Jesus' Sermon on the Mount.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is the only man alive whose ass can literally kick other people's asses.

The only fashionably acceptable mullet is Jean-Claude Van Damme's.

Jean-Claude Van Damme has played a double of himself in several movies (Double Impact, Maximum Risk, Replicant, Timecop) this is because he has perfected cloning. After filming, Jean-Claude Van Damme takes his clones to a pyramid in Central America to battle to the death. The sheer awesomness causes hurricanes, which ends when the original Van Damme takes a dagger and stabs the clone in the chest while screaming "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!".

BTW: The Highlander movies are based on these prophecies.

Jean-Claude Van Damme played all the Transformers in the movie. He used clones. Giant ones.

Anything can be a lethal weapon in Van Damme's hands. He once killed a room full of armed men with a used Kleenex.

Jean-Claude Van Damme isn't French, he's Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Jean-Claude Van Damme has been nominated for 20 Oscars, no one told him because they are afraid of what might happen if he lost.

During the filming of Timecop, Jean-Claude Van Damme impregnated three female crew members and one male, producer Sam Raimi.

During the filming of Hard Target, Jean-Claude Van Damme became so engrossed with swatting mosquitoes that he accidentally killed half of the 2nd unit film crew.

Universal Soldier is a true story of Jean-Claude Van Damme's birth.

 RE: katecastella said "I also understand that he’s non-bio-degradable like Cindy McCain-is that true?"
Well partially true. Van Damme has balls made of steel. His sperm are actually heat-seeking missiles of pleasure, and that's why condoms are useless against him. Which shows that you can't even contain the man, or his man juice.