Is it seriously Purge Weekend again, already?! Wow. 48 hours of complete lawlessness. Now, if you wanna kill someone, FINE. A lotta people do that on Purge Weekend and I get it. Me, I’m just not that angry of a person.
Here are the laws I’ll be breaking this weekend:
1. You’re all gonna see my penis. I’m sorry but it’s 1,000 degrees in New York and I’ve only got pants on ’cause the law says I have to. Fair warning, these boys hang pretty low in July.
2. Publicly show football games without express written consent of the NFL. That’s a given.
3. Those Seeing Eye dogs you’re not supposed to pet? Guess who’s getting scratched behind the ears.
4. What’s the name of that actor who plays Carl on The Walking Dead? Whoever he is, he’s getting kicked in the shins.
5. Adios, mattress tags!
6. Still haven’t seen 22 Jump Street so I might get some Popeyes and torrent that shit.
7. Sorry, pregnant ladies on the subway, but seat’s taken!
8. Is ‘Blue Is the Warmest Color'still in theaters? I remember wanting to openly masturbate during that.
9. Take joke too far when friend says, “If you love pizza so much why don’t you marry it?!”
10. “Weekend at Bernie's” my grandpa. I really miss him so it’d be nice to hang out.
11. Ya know what, I’m gonna go within 500 feet of Kate Upton tomorrow! Courts be damned!
12. Don’t forget, The Purge extends to social laws as well! So if any friends stand next to me at a urinal, I might take a cursory glance at what they’re working with.
13. Enter a courtroom and, under oath, say I turned down Christina Hendricks once.
14. Fuck it, I’m gonna try a needle drug. I can’t live in fear anymore.