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April 17, 2016
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Do you know the lore behind IU's biggest party weekend? A great read for the hungover reader.

The Legend of the Big Five

Gather round, all ye curious freshman, indifferent sophomores, settled juniors, and sobbing seniors.
Gather round as I spin the tale we have all come to hear, a tale that will perhaps to your eye bring a tear.
In light of the festivities we celebrate these nights, there’s first another story that must be told right,
of what happened here years ago one on April night.

The Big Five it was called, and I’ll tell you why. It was no normal every-day bike race, you guy.
The Big Five wasn’t a bike race at all, to be honest. It was the name of a group of IU students just leaving their nests.
They weren’t particularly big or particularly smart, but they loved to party and for that they had great heart.
They had a mission that night to hold the perfect party, but first they had to find the perfect party key.

“Step one,” said one brother, “we find some hot chicks!” So off he went looking in the woods among the sticks.
“What the fuck are you doing?” the other brother replied, “girls don’t hang out in woods, you’re such a weird guy.”
So the brothers agreed to go to class, where all the hot chicks were, studying away with ferocious fervor. The boys announced loudly in front of the class: “we’re throwing a party and looking for some hot ass!
You don’t need to study or to be smart, we like you how you are because girls don’t fart!”
And the girls liked this compliment and all decided to give in to the party instead of fight it.

With that task completed, the brothers reunited. “Now we need booze to get this party lighted!”
They were all underage, which didn’t make since to them. “If we can serve our country’s army, why can’t we be free men?”
But instead of complaining about the system being broken, they found an older friend and gave him a token.
They joyously returned home, and got their lips a soakin’.

“The final step,” said a brother, “in our recipe for fun is to get some dope music for everyone to sing alung!”
“I think you mean ‘along,’” another brother corrected. But they ignored his love of rhyme and their minds all connected.
The musical choice of the evening would be something that would bring the clut down to its knees. They pulled out the Bieber and the Kid Cudi, the bass was a bumpin’ like the booties of all the cuties.

The perfect party had finally been achieved. The boys clapped, the crowd cheered, everybody was pleased.
But the bass bumped too loud and the party got too turnt. And soon the party turned into a lesson to be learnt.
Some police showed up, and with their hateful ways, shut the party down and turned the party-goers away.
The police also happened to be bears.

They ate all five brothers.

Party hardy, IU! #lil5 #TOOturnt #eatenbybears


Kaitlyn Blansett stares pensively out the window of the dimly lit cafe on 6th St. and takes a drink of someone else’s cold coffee. She is a senior and a member of Midnight Snack Comedy. You can follow her on twitter @blanseypants if you’re into that sort of thing.

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