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Published: February 22, 2016
Description: An Uber driver in Kalamazoo, MI went on a shooting rampage over the weekend, killing six and injuring two more. This is the 42nd mass shooting to take place in the U.S. in 2016. Where was “the good guy with a gun?” He explains here.

An Uber driver in Kalamazoo, MI went on a shooting rampage over the weekend, killing six and injuring two more. This is the 42nd mass shooting to take place in the U.S. in 2016. Some defenders of gun rights have claimed that a good guy with a gun is the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun. Where was “the good guy with a gun” this time? He explains below.


Hello! Good Guy With A Gun here! I’m that responsible, gun-loving guy you hear about after every mass shooting. You know, the nice guy who would never kill anyone for bad or accidental reasons and would only fire his gun at a person in order to protect others. The everyman who, if we put tougher gun controls in place, wouldn’t be able to stop all these mass shootings we keep having. That’s me!

With another mass shooting taking place in Michigan this past weekend, you’re probably wondering where I was to protect all those poor souls who were foolishly hanging out without guns to protect them.

The truth: Shit. I fucked up. Again. I’m sorry!

I know, I know, it’s inexcusable. I’m literally the only thing that can stop mass shootings, and I’m not doing my job. I’m a failure. But, in my defense, being the Good Guy With A Gun is really hard work!

Here’s what usually happens: I get notice that a shooting has happened, and I go to where the shooting is. For example, the night this Uber shooting happened, my wife had taken the car to Bed, Bath & Beyond and had dropped me off at the hunting store. When I heard about the shooting, I tried to call an Uber, but there was surge pricing so I had to wait for my wife to pick me up. It seems that no matter how quickly I try to get to a crime scene, the cops are putting up that yellow tape! Someone really needs to invent a time machine to solve this problem for me.

Plus, it’s not like a shooter announces that he’s going to kill a bunch of people ahead of time. I don’t get an advance email telling me where and who a shooter is planning to kill so I can make sure I’m the Good Guy With A Gun hanging around. They don’t wear signs around their necks that say “shooter.” I don’t have ESP, so it’s a shot in the dark.

Also, there have been a few times where I got to the active shooter site, but then I had to wait outside. I’m a law-abiding citizen — the Good Guy With A Gun! — and guns aren’t allowed everywhere. So if guns aren’t allowed, I don’t take mine in. Too bad shooters don’t have the good sense to follow rules like I do.

When I have made it to the scene in time to catch the shooter, I still haven’t done anything. Not because I haven’t wanted to, but because guns are really fast. Like, really, really fast. A typical bullet comes out at 768 miles per hour! Who has a reaction time that fast? Superman, Olympic sprinters who are very fast to react to a starting pistol, and literally no one else.

And with so many mass shootings happening all over the U.S., it’s hard to keep up with all of them. Sometimes mass shootings even happen at multiple places at once. So now I don’t just need someone to invent a time machine to do my job, but also a cloning machine — a cloning machine that clones guns so that my Good Guy With A Gun Clone also gets a gun! Or a teleportation machine. That might work too.

But you know, this isn’t my job. I’m not just sitting around doing nothing and waiting for people to get shot. Maybe we should pay people to do this. I bet that would get rid of all mass shootings — if we paid people to make it their jobs to walk around with guns and protect people. I’m 100% sure that a professional squad of Good Guys With Guns would immediately put an end to all killings.

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