Cincinnati Bengals at Pittsburgh Steelers: The Bengals have a chance to stick a fork in their division overlords. Won’t happen. Cincinnatians haven’t evolved to cutlery. Steelers by 10.
Minnesota Vikings at Houston Texans: What’s the difference between Vikings and Texans? One’s a group of barbaric, arrogant, half-literate, incest-spawned goons who hate the rest of the world. The others are Vikings. Adrian Peterson by 10.
Atlanta Falcons at Detroit Lions: They Mayans might be right. If the Falcons get to the Super Bowl, the world will end. If the Falcons win it, the end can’t come soon enough. Lions by 2.
New Orleans Saints at Dallas Cowboys: The Saints would wipe the smirk off Jerry Jones, if it weren’t surgically reinforced. Cowboys by 1.
Indianapolis Colts at Kansas City Chiefs: I really think the Chiefs will win this game. If only because I hate Andrew Luck. No person should be hairier than me. Chiefs by 5.
San Diego Chargers at NY Jets: Norv Turner and Rex Ryan turned the “Hot Seat” into the Dumpster Fire. This barnburner is going to stink. Somebody light a match. Chargers by who gives a damn.
Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles: I shared a kennel at the Washington Animal Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Redskins by 456,222.
St. Louis Rams at Tampa Bay Buccaneers: In the 70s, Jeff Fisher’s mustache made him macho; in the 80s it made him Magnum P.I.; in the 90s, it made him a potential child molester; now he’s a hipster. Fisher’s mustache by 8.
Oakland Raiders at Carolina Panthers: Sometimes I feel bad for the Raiders. Then I remember that they’re the Raiders, and I just laugh. Panthers by 5.
New England Patriots at Jacksonville Jaguars: Bill Belichik’s loss to the the 49ers gave him heartburn. Luckily, he spells relief J-A-G-U-A-R-S. Patriots by 20.
Cleveland Browns at Denver Broncos: I can’t name a Cleveland receiver. Neither can Brandon Wheedon. Broncos by 17.
Chicago Bears at Arizona Cardinals: The Bears are who we thought they were – beatable. Cards by 5.
NY Giants at Baltimore Ravens: These teams are racing toward mediocrity – a race I’ll happily watch the Ravens win. Giants by 8.
Tennessee Titans at Green Bay Packers: Coach Pufnstuf has the Packers clicking. That’s bad news for the Titans. Pufnstuf’s Packers by 10.
San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks: Russell Wilson is the best thing to hit Seattle since Microsoft. Seahawks by 9.
Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins: The only redeemable quality of Buffalos and Dolphins is the flavor. Otherwise, they’re crap. Line off – nobody cares.