What in the Hell Does Swag Mean?

I pretty much have no idea what swag is, but I do know these four things.

                1) The word swag is a hemorrhoid in the asshole of English vernacular.

                2) I don’t have it.

                3) According to the brain trust on Twitter, “swag don’t pay the bills."

                4) How often you use the word swag is directly related to how awful of a human being you are.

According to the very reliable, extremely trustworthy website Urban Dictionary swag can be defined as:

Going by this definition, one must assume that swag only relates to the appearance or the overall presentation of a most likely unemployed person. But swag has to mean much more than that. For example, if swag only related to the appearance of someone then someone putting on Facebook “Just had killer eggs for breakfast #swag” would make no fucking sense. Swag just has to mean more. Also people who use hashtags for anything other than Twitter are the worst people in existence.  They should be sentenced to an eternity in Hell for committing terrorist acts against mass communication.

In the process of doing research for this article, I made the worst possible mistake that a person could make. I typed swag into the search bar on Twitter. I learned a little about swag, but lost a little bit of my soul.

Here are some sample Tweets:

Lol at all these wannabe lax bros right now. Fake swag equals no swag.

Fake swag equals no swag. Got it. This would be very helpful if SOMEONE ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT SWAG MEANT. Is swag just trying to look really awesome? There has to be more to it than that. There has to be.

This kid has Justin Bieber's OLD haircut. No SWAG.

I didn’t gain understanding of what swag is from this tweet, but I did learn that having Justin Bieber’s old haircut is not having swag. I still don’t get it.

If you own a blue jacket that don't mean you got swag

Having a blue jacket doesn’t mean you have swag, but could you have a blue jacket and still have swag? It’s hard to tell.  All I am getting from Twitter is that swag and literacy do not go well together.

hop upp out of bed, turn my swag onnnnn

Is swag something you just turn on? Is it like a light switch? If you turn your swag on, does your literacy go off?

Got so much swag that it's pumping out my ovaries!

Fuck this fucking world.

After being exposed to the post about swag pumping out of ovaries, I decided to end my research on Twitter. I didn’t really learn much about the meaning of swag outside of the fact that it appears to have no meaning. It just seems to be some word that expresses how stylish and/or unemployed you are.

My research on Twitter did teach me one other important thing that I didn’t really want to know—swag can be used as a verb.  Apparently, it is possible to “swag on” someone. I have no idea what that can possibly mean, but I imagine it involves a lot of fist pumping and Roofalin.  

The worst thing about swag is when it is used as a complete sentence.  People who think swag constitutes a complete sentence should never, ever reproduce. Statues would be built in these people’s honor though because by not reproducing they would be doing the world an amazing service—not spreading their genetics. Using swag as a complete sentence means absolutely nothing and is the worst type of verbal diarrhea and the only thing that can cure their verbal diarrhea is a swift kick to the face. If you ever hear a person repeatedly say swag be a Good Samaritan and cure their verbal diarrhea.

Despite all my research on the word swag, I still have no idea what it means. I have no clue. I see people use it. I know the context it is used in. But god dammit, IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING.  I think it means looking stylish and awesome, but it can also be used as a verb and as an entire sentence. I don’t fucking get it. I really don’t.  All I know that swag is more responsible for the unemployment rate than our economy could ever be.

As far as I am concerned swag can be defined as:

Giving up your employment and literacy for a snapback cap and baller shorts.