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November 10, 2011

One man questions the wisdom of the Heavenly Father when the decision was made to hang the testicles on the OUTSIDE of the body

So the ONE time I go to church this year, I accidentally catch a nut as I sit down.  Ladies, that means that I sat on one of my own testicles, which happens more and more as you age, and your nuts head for your socks.  After 30 seconds of blindness and nausea my head clears, and I realize I have God to blame for this.

Why the fuck would you put a man’s balls on the OUTSIDE of his body?  It’s like with a couple minutes left on the sixth day, Michael the Arch Angel walked into God’s office and said, ”Um, God…we really screwed up.  We forgot the reproductive organs.  The ‘testicles’ I think you had called them…they were supposed to go on the INSIDE of Adam’s body the same way we had drawn up Eve."

God says “Look I had really planned on finishing this whole fucking thing in six days and relaxing on Sunday (little known fact, God had a pretty foul mouth back in the day).  Aren’t there any empty places in that area of the body we can stick the testicles?”

Michael:  “Not really God, most of that area is bone and muscle”

God:  “How about the lungs…mostly air…we can just give up a little lung capacity and put them in there.”

Michael:  “The lungs? That would leave them too far away from the penis…I guess we could have the penis come out of from of the middle of the chest.”

God:  “That would look ridiculous!  The teenage males would be walking around with tent poles coming out of their chests.  Plus, the ‘urinal’ I’ve been working on would have to be mounted much higher on the wall than I’d planned.  Just hang them on the outside under the penis.”

Michael:  “Outside??  So, I guess we should make some sort of protective boney shell for the testicles to sit in.”

God: “No time for that… just put them in a bag of skin.”

Michael: “You’re kidding…a bag of SKIN…on the OUTSIDE…have you forgotten that you put a fuck load of nerve endings in these things?”

God: “How would you like to be vice president of hell forever?”

Michael:  “Bag of skin…good idea”

God: “Oh, alright, so we'll put them in the bag of skin and maybe throw some hair on them or something.”

Michael: “So you want like a thick coat of protective fur?”

God: “No, we don’t have enough hair to make fur.  We used most of the hair on the top of the head...and we used too much on the backs of the eastern European males.  We'll just take whatever hair is left in the parts bin and throw it on the bag of skin that we're putting the testicles in.”

Michael: “Well, that much hair is not gonna look great and it will provide like zero protection.”

God: “You really do want to spend eternity working in hell, don’t you?”

Michael: “Bag of skin with a little bit of useless hair on it...you got it.”

Now keep in mind…trying to get to a female’s reproductive organs is next to impossible.  Whereas a man’s hang outside of his body in a thin bag of skin, getting to a woman’s reproductive organs is like breaking into the vault at the Bellagio.  First you have to squeeze through two sets of “meat curtains”, go up the vaginal canal and then get through the cervix.  The cervix is like an obstacle course for sperm.  You know that scene in “Officer and a Gentleman” when they have to get over that wall in the obstacle course?  That’s pretty much the same thing as a cervix.  Now, you’ve gotten through the cervix and you’re lost in the uterus; and you’re lost because it's pretty dark in there.  Not a lot of natural light in the uterus (another little known fact).  Then, in the dark, you’ve gotta find a fallopian tube…and way at the end of the tube is…the ovary.  This level of protection is why women don’t instinctively cover their crotch if any objects come flying toward their midsections.

I’ve tried to explain to my wife the disabling pain that comes from being kicked in the balls and she couldn’t grasp it until we were watching TV.  We stopped surfing for a minute to watch a soccer game because they were lining up for a penalty kick.   Keep in mind, a severe blow to the chest can cause heart failure and a severe blow to the head can cause a stroke.  When the players lined up to defend the kick, which one did they cover, their head or their chest?  Trick question…they covered their BALLS.  They would rather risk DEATH than have a high speed soccer ball hit them in the nuts.

You know fights in biblical times were essentially a contest to see who could kick the other guy in the nuts.  Probably a big jump in technology was when they realized they could THROW an object and hit the other guy in the nuts.  Fight over.  This is probably how David beat Goliath.  But the guy from ESPN didn’t want to write, “David hit Goliath in the balls with a rock.”

Children have no respect for nuts.  Men like babies and men will play with a 12 year old.  But if you play with a four year old for any period of time you’re going to get kicked or punched in the nut sack.  This leads some women to think their boyfriends or husbands don’t like kids.  Not true, we are just protecting our nuts.  Because after getting punched in the nuts, we are expected to simply laugh and continue playing with the dangerous child.

Look, most of what God made (hath made?) turned out great.  He just got lazy there at the end and now we've got a pretty major design flaw.  Hopefully, if God gets bored and creates a global disaster that wipes out mankind, He could take the time to put the testicles on the INSIDE next time.  I'm just saying...