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Published June 28, 2012

 

The fuck you know 'bout Lion King, son?

Disney movies were my childhood. I'm not talking about that Lilo and Stitch bullshit, I got down with the classics. Looking for the bare necessities in the Jungle Book. Letting Aladdin show me the world. YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I'LL BE YOUR GUEST, VARIOUS HOUSEWARES IN BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. But times change. People grow older. The days of begging my mom to let me watch The AristoCats before bed have turned into me jerkin' it to Brazzers after snorting an Ambien. HI MOM IF YOU'RE READING THIS NONE OF IT IS TRUE SOMETIMES I SAY THINGS WITHOUT THINKING I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. The point is my innocence is gone. My childhood is over. Or it was...

My brother had unprotected sexual intercourse with a consenting female and the result of their sinful behavior and his poor reaction time was a beautiful little baby girl. She is an angel. Don't get me wrong, I hated her for the first few years. Just all fragile and stuff, shitting on herself like an idiot. But she has blossomed into one dope ass little chick. My niece and I share a wide array of interests including: fruit snacks, fart noises, Crayola 64, but most importantly....Disney movies.

She loves 'em. All of 'em. Especially the classics. I get to reconnect with all of my favorites and simultaneously see her fall in love for the first time. However, being older gives me a completely different perspective than I had as a youth. I find myself relating to the chiseled handsome male protagonists as I'm roughly the same age as they are and I'm roughly as chiseled and handsome as they are. They usually just get fucked for 80 minutes of every movie. She loves The Little Mermaid. I love The Little Mermaid. Let's talk about The Little Mermaid.

Chapter 1: The Little Mermaid

First off, fuck you Ariel. You live in a baller ass underwater palace with your King dad and fish slaves. YOU HAVE A GIANT SEAHORSE CHARIOT!!! I guess you could say life isn't too bad *puts on sunglasses* under the sea. YEEEAAAHH. But that's not good enough for you, is it? You want to leave all your friends and family to live in a habitat where you literally can't survive with your fish bottom. Oh you want to be part of our world? I'll trade you. I'll be balling so hard in your marine wonderland riding on dolphins while you work a dead end 9 to 5 until you can't afford your rent and eventually become Shamu's fuck toy at Sea World. But in your infinite wisdom you say "fuck you dad", barter your voice for a pair of legs, and leave your home.

Prince Eric didn't sign up for any of this shit. After finding you on the beach he took you straight home with intentions of stuffing all of your brand new holes. I get it. You're beautiful, only 16, don't have a voice, and have absolutely no traceable identity. Nice! Things were looking up for E. But in ONE day, a sea witch does some magic shit, becomes his bride, and throws a wedding. You show up with your filthy bird army and break the spell before Ursula turns into a 90 foot tall octopus and destroys everything. Including the ship the wedding was on. The ship Eric's whole family was on. Eric's whole family is dead now. You murdered Eric's family with your curiosity. They were just alive yesterday! Hope you crazy kids have a great life.

Now if I was a prince, shit would have gone down differently. Here are a few examples of what may have happened:

 

Pocahontas

Pocahontas: Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?

Me: I literally just got here like 2 days ago. You saw my ship come in. So no. No I haven't.

Pocahontas: Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?

Me: Again, you know that I haven't done any of this shit please stop.

Pocahontas: Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?

Me: Dude I doubt it I don't even know what that means can we go home now?

Pocahontas: Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Me: Go fuck yourself.

Pocahontas: Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Me: Hey try this blanket.

 

Aladdin

Genie: Hey man you get 3 wishes!

Me: Really?! Fuck yeah. Hmmm. I want to be a Prince so I can marry Jasmine!

Genie: Your wish is my comm...

Me: JUST JOKING BRO. LOL. Fuck her dude. Almost getting me killed and shit.

Genie: You don't need her. You are a GREAT looking dude. So hot. What do you want?

Me: Uhhh thanks? I dunno how about like a giant castle, 40 jet skis, and a huge dong?

Genie: Done! And I'm going to live with you now cuz that sounds awesome. I love you.

Me: What?

Genie: I'm going to have sex with your butt.

Me: Goddammit. Can I have a 4th wish?

 

Snow White

Me: Aww man she's dead. No way in hell am I smooching that cadaver mouth. I'll touch her tits, though. Yeah mmmmm...those are nice. Still warm. Hey little dwarves you live with me now and are going to be my best friends/sex slaves. Haha you guys are weird. Come on y'all let's go find a new babe for me to bang. Preferably alive this time.

And there you have it. The current structure is probably for the better. Despite always keeping it real I would make a really shitty prince. So thank you, Disney. For everything. You have always been there when I've needed you and I look forward to needing you more in the future. My own little princess and I are coming down to your World to visit soon and I can't to see everyone. Please keep the Genie away from my butt.

 

 

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