A Maimed Disclaimer: The following piece and background notes include some profanity and sexual references. If that stuff offends you, don’t read this. If it doesn’t, read it all the fuck you want. Fuck, even fuck your fucking brains out while reading it all the fuck you want.
Elegy for Cheese Feet
By Ivan O’Uris
Some people have feet of clay.
I have feet of cheese –
Or I did until I got too close to a hot oven
And some jackass
Got a maniacal craving for nachos.
Background Notes: Ivan O’Uris is an American-based poet, journalist and part-time cheese log cannon manufacturer from Luscia, a small North Atlantic island known for incorporating dairy products into its myths. It was a Luscian myth, in fact, that inspired “Elegy for Cheese Feet.” As with all Luscians, Ivan heard the story of “Cheddaricana and Shrimpicus” growing up. According to Not Really Ancient But Still Really Fucking Old So You’d Never Confuse It For New Luscian mythology, Cheddaricana was the goddess of fondue and had feet made of cheddar cheese.* One night during a housewarming party for Condominicus, the god of overpriced posh apartments, she stood over a big cooking pot, dunking a piece of bread into her beloved fondue. Shrimpicus, the god of toe sucking, saw her and was smitten.
In his quest to win Cheddaricana’s love, Shrimpicus turned for help to his half-brother Milehighicles, the god of airborne sex. Borrowing from Greek mythology, Milehighicles designed a special pair of wings for Shrimpicus to use to fly Cheddaricana near the sun, where Shrimpicus would suck Cheddaricana’s toes and get her in the mood for plain old hum-drum sex. After finally getting up the nerve to ask her for a date, Shrimpicus put the plan into effect. Unfortunately for Shrimpicus, he miscalculated on the altitude necessary to achieve the appropriate atmosphere for lovemaking by about 10 million miles and was dangerously close to the sun. So close, in fact, that the intense heat caused Cheddaricana’s feet to melt and drop into the Sea of Fondue** off the Luscian east coast, prompting her to scream, “Vayanciva semposeanus chaomongsi locohemoical o’cluckonskivithcy chermondimum groinicci shlemboskovi culhanifi mesterchung,” which translates from the Not Really Ancient But Still Really Fucking Old So You’d Never Confuse It For New Luscian as “Nice goin’, jackass!”
Legend has it, if you’re on the shores of the Sea of Fondue on a cloudy night with a full moon and the Little Dipper titled a hair closer than usual to the Big Dipper and are silent with a popcorn bag on your head, you can hear Cheddaricana wailing, “Nice goin’, jackass!” – in a Brooklyn accent.
One night, while standing on the shores of the Sea of Fondue on a return trip to his homeland, Ivan thought he heard Cheddaricana’s voice. “It sounded louder than I had thought it would,” Ivan recalled in his personal journal. Actually, it was a Brooklyn woman standing behind him who was yelling at him for accidentally sticking his hand in her fondue when he stretched his arms back while yawning.
Inspired, Ivan wrote the poem while returning from Luscia to the United States. Presumed lost, it was found in October 2006 by Erik Pointer and Shawn Roney in Ivan’s apartment in a plate of nachos. It’s unknown if the nachos were made from feet of cheese.
*Some Luscian literature scholars have argued that they were made of sharp cheddar, but there are no manuscripts that confirm this.
**The Sea of Fondue is often confused with the Seas of Cheese, which were immortalized by the Primus album “Sailing the Seas of Cheese.” Actually, the Sea of Fondue runs into the Seas of Cheese, except when Luscia’s periodic sea droughts occur and it clabbers.
©2007-2008 Mutt Media LLC. All rights reserved.
One More Note: “Elegy for Cheese Feet” was originally published (in the above form) Feb. 20, 2007, by the online magazine Defenestration. It was there for a while, but has disappeared, possibly because the site is being rebuilt – or MAYBE it’s because the Ploddingly Pleasingly Pleated Pladsborough Plagiarists have struck again.
For more information about the Ploddingly Pleasingly Pleated Pladsborough Plagiarists, see “The Paperlessly Wallpapered I’O.U. Papers” (No. 6) For more information about how to train sea lions to gargle the melody to “Danke Schoen” with purified orange oceanic water, … ask somebody else because I don’t know.
A Few More Notes (My Apologies): Even though “Elegy for Cheese Feet” is off Defenestration indefinitely, visit the site anyway because the folks who run it are nice. Go to www.defenestrationmag.net.
With that out of the way, it’s O.K. for you to read the copyright stuff. You can scroll up four paragraphs – or if it’s too taxing, look below (on computer screen and/or printed page, not at your feet).
©2007-2008 Mutt Media LLC (reprised). All rights reserved (also reprised).