Hi. It’s Michael. Michael Stipe. And I have a message for Mr. Donald J. Trump, who so brazenly chose to use the R.E.M. song “It’s the End of the World as We Know it (and I Feel Fine)” during his entrance at a recent Washington rally. Mr. Trump, you used our song without obtaining permission from me or my band. Permission which, if asked for, would NOT have been granted. Why are we so against you using an R.E.M. song as your entrance music, you ask? Well, Donald, I’m afraid you’re just not Michael’s type.

BOOM, KAPOW! SUCK ON THAT, ORANGE MAN! You’re not “Michael’s type!” As in, you’re not MY type. But also it’s my name. God, I nailed you so hard just now. I guess I AM the "King of Comedy,” huh? That’s a deeper cut, I know, but screw it, I’m on a roll, baby. Here’s me laughing at you:

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Did that hurt, Donald? Good, because it was meant to sting.* And though I wish I could say I just thought of that joke on the toilet this morning, I’ve actually been sitting on it for several years now … not the toilet, the joke. I’ve been biding my time, waiting for the perfect moment to unleash the ultimate Michael Stipe zinger: “You’re not Michael’s type.” And as soon as I heard about you using my song at your little rally I was like, “Oh shit, today is the day. Today is the day I drop my most beautifully written piece of work to date.“ They say "Everybody hurts sometimes,” but your ass is gonna be feeling that one all the way to 2016.

*To be clear, “meant to sting” does not mean the joke was meant to Sting, a great musician and humanitarian who is very much Michael’s type.

And not to keep tooting my own horn here but, like all great comedy, the “not Michael’s type” bit is funny because it’s true. You really are like the complete opposite of me in pretty much every way — except baldness!

And by the way, what the hell were you thinking using that song? The last thing you need is more people associating the idea of a Donald Trump presidency with the end of the world. If anything, you should be using our 1988 song “Turn You Inside-Out” — because that’s what what you say to your SCALP every morning! Oh shit!

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Anyway, Don, I feel like you’ve been humiliated enough for one day. Just make sure to keep your filthy paws off my music the next time you’re planning one of your little shouting events or dickhead rallies. Because if you don’t, I’m not gonna just be “Losing My Religion,” I’m gonna straight-up lose my shit.

Ba-ba-Booey!

For bookings, please contact michaelstipecomedy@gmail.com.

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