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October 19, 2015

Bengals Butts And More: 8 Things You Might Have Missed From NFL Week 6

1. The NFL Network lingered on a shot of naked Bengals asses (NSFW) in the locker room for a solid 10 seconds. “I knew exactly what I was doing,” said saucy Network cameraman.

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You might think the nudity was an accident, but the NFL Network cameraman actually did it on purpose. Turns out he’s a saucy little devil and he was very aware of what was happening.

“Oh, that was no accident,” the cameraman whispered with a wink and an unsettling grin. “I’m the cheeky hell raiser at the NFL Network offices and when I saw those naked butts in the background I knew exactly what to do. My only regret is that they cut the interview off right before I got some primo footage of Tyler Eifert snapping a wet towel across Marvin Jones’ butt. I’ll be posting that to Reddit later today. Also, I’m the one who captured that Lenny Kravitz pants rip a while ago. What can I say, I’m a naughty little doggy.”

2. Colts call their “We Wanna Lose” play. A play usually saved for teams who have something to do after the game and want to get the heck out of there.

Every team has a “We wanna lose" play in their playbook that they go over in practice for extreme cases of just wanting to get the danged game over with. While most teams might go the whole season without using the play, it’s always fun to watch a team try it out during a big, nationally televised matchup with a rival team.

Fun history fact: The “We wanna lose" play was pioneered by the notoriously impatient Vince Lombardi who, back in 1962, burned clock by having his whole offensive line hike the ball to each other in a line, one by one, before it finally got to the quarterback who was already being sat on by an opposing defensive end, because he was afraid if the Packers vs. Giants game went to overtime he would miss Sunday dinner with his fun brother-in-law Earl whom he rarely got to hang out and drink beers with.

3. Dolphins dominate in first game with new coach Dan Campbell, who was immediately given a cocaine-riddled key to Miami.


From the postgame press conference:

“It’s an honor to lead this group of fine young men to victory. Man, I love them so much. We should go somewhere together now! Where are we going next? I mean, like, what bar? We should stay out all night maybe even go to the pier I haven’t been to the pier in forever and oh yeah let’s see if any women wanna join my shirt is hot have you guys listened to Nine Inch Nails lately I’m gonna listen to ‘Head Like a Hole’ UGH so good I should grow my hair out—” [At this point Campbell jumped through the screen behind the press conference table] “Let’s all go to the LAAAAAAAAKE!!!!”

4. Levi’s Stadium’s patented “distressed turf” costs Ravens a field goal but successfully sells a whole bunch of jeans.

Levi’s makes fashionable, high-quality jeans from only the finest American denim and their new strategy of distressing the field turf at the 49ers new Levi’s Stadium the same way they distress their fantastic new 501 CT Torn Indigo pant seemed like an ingenious marketing move. It all backfired yesterday, though, when Ravens kicker Justin Tucker planted his off foot and sank into the shoddy, distressed turf, causing him to slip and shank a gimme field goal in the process.

Even Tucker, who as an NFL kicker lives exactly one big miss away from being unemployed, couldn’t be too upset after the game when representatives of Levi’s gave him one free pair of jeans.

“I love Levi’s! It’s all about that 501 fit,” said an elated, and dare I say sharp-looking, Tucker.

5. Pete Carroll politely asked the Seahawks defense to maybe stop calling themselves the ‘Legion of Boom’ after falling apart in the fourth quarter for the second straight week.

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6. The always courteous Browns showed off their signature Midwestern manners and refused to let Peyton Manning blow a game.


The Browns had chances at the end of regulation and in overtime to capitalize on Peyton Manning mistakes and make him look terrible but, in true Midwestern fashion, the Cleveland Browns didn’t want to embarrass anyone and decided to give Peyton another chance by making even more pathetic mistakes and ultimately losing the game.

It’s not unusual, in fact, for most Midwestern teams (Browns, Lions, Bengals, Chiefs, Bears) to hear their mother’s voice saying, “Treat others the way you want to be treated” during critical plays in important games.

7. Jamie Collins makes O-line-leaping blocked kick but really nothing is funnier than that crappy Colts trick play so after we watch the good play, let’s watch that Colts play again.

I guess no one should be surprised that this team:

Beat this team:

8. Ronnie Hillman calls out “fake” Broncos fans for booing Manning. Luckily, Manning couldn’t hear the boos because he doesn’t hear so well anymore.

Other things Manning fortunately didn’t hear:

-The Bronco’s offensive coordinator calling a naked bootleg
Manning gets the giggles when he hears anything sexual

-Browns famous “Dog Pound” fans barking
Manning’s a sucker for pups, so it would have distracted him big time

-His doctor warning him if he turns his neck one more time, his neck will explode

-The Broncos defense’s thick sarcasm when they call Peyton, “Captain Manning”

-Papa John whispering “I love you” into his ear
Manning’s a married man; working with Papa would be impossibly awkward if he heard this