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May 09, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In Nebraska, a man changed his name to "Tyrannosaurus Rex." It's been a long time coming too, especially since it's so hard for him to sign legal documents with his tiny arms.

Nevada issued Google the country’s first license to test self-driving cars on public streets. Nevada, a state that loves gambling so much, you now have 50-50 odds when crossing the street.

Author Maurice Sendak died today at age 83. He was easily the best person named Maurice.

Late on Monday night, Rick Santorum sent out an email endorsing Mitt Romney for president. For more details, go see "The Hangover 3" this July.

A Michigan teenager made a corset out of 18,000 Starburst wrappers. She was eaten by wild dogs.

Researchers say that when people talk about themselves, it triggers the same sensation of pleasure in the brain as money. In other news, Donald Trump is the happiest person to ever exist.

In the Senate, Republicans blocked a bill that would have kept low interest rates for college students' loans. To be fair, they just don't want people learning exactly how good of a job they're doing.

Twitter is fighting a subpoena demanding the company provide the user data of an Occupy Wall Street protester who was arrested for disorderly conduct. In related news, "Sure, anything else we can get you?" said Facebook.

Obama administration officials said that body scanners could have detected the latest underwear bomb designed by terrorists. Particularly sexy old lady terrorists.

It's been revealed that the terrorist who was ordered to blow up a U.S.-bound plane was actually a double agent. And it's a good thing we had him there to protect us from him because who knows what he could've done had he not been there to stop himself.

In London, a jogger thanked Dustin Hoffman for saving his life after the actor called for help upon seeing him collapse. The jogger said it almost makes up for "Meet the Fockers."