1) Worst Playpen Ever
First things first: I apologize this recap is late. I AM ONLY HUMAN and life* (* = I went too hard at Coachella this weekend and got stuck in six hours of traffic on the way home yesterday) got in the way. I’m sorry! It probably won’t happen again for a while unless someone comes through with a free ticket for weekend two. ANYWAY! You’ve got to be dumb as rocks to let your children play on the beach around zombies, even if a comically thin barricade is involved. Also, what game were they playing? Feed shells to zombies? SPOILER ALERT: These kids have a PSP. I know you have to share when siblings are involved, but I’m pretty sure whatever game they have on there is substantially more fun with a lot less zombie risk. Do better.
2) Way To Let Them Know You’re Not A Threat
If you’re approaching a strange house in the dark, here are some talking points you may want to avoid:
-We know you’re in there.
-We know you’re scared.
-We’re not a threat.
Because all of that makes you sound super dangerous and threatening as hell. But this nice (?) family just lets them in with no questions asked! Everyone on this show is so smart, what a show full of smart people this is. Remember that show Smart Guy? This is the spinoff. It’s gritty as hell and the original title was Smart Guys but that was scrapped because it’s 2016 and everyone has a right to be smart without being smacked in the face with a gender label.
3) Maybe Lie To This Kid About The Bubonic Plague
Did you really need to explain the Bubonic Plague to this kid because he asked about a nursery rhyme? Lie to the child! Kids are easy to lie to and trick because their brains are very small and as a result they’re not that bright. It’s like talking to a golden retriever on two legs, except golden retrievers are pretty intelligent. I guess it’s more like talking to a DVD of The Sandlot who also has legs and needs to eat to survive. The DVD has no bonus features.
4) The Tradition Of Creepy Children Continues
Yeesh. Way to carry on the proud tradition on this show (and also that other show I write about that takes place at the same time on the same channel, just during different parts of the year) of being creepy as shit. I guess at least he already knows about headshots, which is more than I can say for everybody on that other show who are years into this thing. And I don’t know what power pills are but I’m pretty sure I took some at Coachella which is why this recap is late. Let me tell you something, young blood. They might keep you near your family, but they do not give you any super powers. All they do is make you want to kill yourself on Monday. Also, Nick (I hate that I have learned a bunch of these names) raid this kid’s closet for pants and a jacket. You’ve got a new shirt, but all your other shit is still fucked up and I bet you a kid’s jacket would fit better than what you have on. I got a windbreaker a few weeks ago from the kid’s section of the Adidas store at the 3rd Street Promenade. At first I was too proud to buy clothing for a child, but the “Large Kid” size is actually pretty on the nose for where I’m at in life and it fits like a glove. I can’t remember what life was like before this kid’s windbreaker, I wear it all the time.
5) Whose Boat Is It Anyway?
God damn, Salazar! Take a super chill pill! Strand referring to the boat as “a 10 million dollar boat” vs. outright stating “my 10 million dollar boat” is semantics of the most petty variety. Does it really matter if it’s his boat or someone else’s boat? The only thing that matters is YOU are ON the boat! That is literally the only relevant detail and everyone seems to be forgetting it all the time. Maybe focus on kissing Strand’s ass instead of doing all the dumb stuff your group insists on doing? Speaking of dumb stuff: Why is this boat lit up at night? Wouldn’t that make it super easy to spot from a distance, the thing they’re trying to avoid right now? Whatever, let’s keep it moving. On to the next one.
6) Lemme Axe You Something
How are they not majorly fucking up this fence with every wild pickaxe swing? Seems like they’d have knocked that thing down by now. I guess fences on this show really are magic! Love that Chris (GOD DAMMIT, I AM LEARNING THEIR NAMES, I DON’T EVEN KNOW MY GRANDMOTHER’S BIRTHDAY, MY MOM AND MY SISTER TAKE TURNS REMINDING ME) is finally starting to pull his weight. Is Chris the new Father Gabriel? Once he was the worst and now he’s OK? Is Chris the new Carol? Once he was worthless but now he’s useful? Is Chris the new garbage? That’s the one! He was once garbage and now he’s just a new version of garbage. Have you guys ever noticed that garbage smells the same around the world no matter where you go? People are alike all over! I guess. I don’t know. THE NEXT ONE. LET US GET ON TO IT.
7) “Catrina” Island
They’ve already used so many real city names on this show, does it really matter that they called it Catrina Island instead of Catalina Island? There’s only one major island off the coast of LA, I think we would know what you’re talking about regardless. And then they just do this gratuitous shot that is so clearly Catalina if you’ve ever been there? They think we are dumb. This is a show that thinks we are dumb. We’re still watching, I’m pretty sure they’re right.
8) Walking Around With Headphones On Is A Bad Idea
I’m not a headphone scientist and I never claimed to have attended any fancy headphone colleges to earn a PHD in shit you put in your ears that play noises. But I’m fairly certain walking around during the zombie apocalypse with headphones in is a bad idea. Unless you’re trying to get eaten? Please everyone on this show get eaten, it would make my Sundays and subsequent Mondays a lot more pleasant.
What’s with teenage girls on these shows making shitty real life Tumblr posts? Do you miss Tumblr (and your bad posts) so much that you feel the need to do this analog nonsense? The next one! Let’s just get on to it. Sorry these transitions are rough, I did permanent damage to my brain in Indio this weekend, don’t be surprised if these posts are bad forever.
9) Take My Kid, Please
You’ve known these people for 10 whole minutes and already you want them to take your kids? LAAAAADY. You have a semi-fortified position, modest amount of supplies, a weird-ass husband and … books. You’ve, uh, got it made? I take it back, this places bites, hand the kids over. They’ll be happier anywhere else, just make sure they pack the PSP.
Who is Strand on the phone with? If this show is anything like that other show (the one I also write about that is on at the same time on the same channel) we should find out in about six months from now! My money is on the chubby kid from Whatever Her Name Is Lady’s school. He’s definitely new Morgan and we’ll be seeing him again in three seasons only to be immediately disappointed and stop giving a shit.
11) Are You Serious Holding That Dead Child Right Now
Word to the wise: That’s a zombie. Maybe put it down or throw it out the nearest window.
Too late! Later! Adios, New Mother Lady. I wish I could say it was nice knowing you, but it was more like plain frozen yogurt with no toppings. Completely uneventful and ultimately lackluster as an experience. THE NEXT ONE. ON TO IT.
12) “Put Him Back Where You Found Him”
DAMN, STRAND. BACK IT AT AGAIN NOT LETTING PEOPLE ON THE BOAT. Can’t help but completely zombie love the way Strand told her to, “Put him back where you found him,” the way my mom used to pull Butterfingers out of the shopping cart at checkout. What a cold-blooded way to refer to a kid that is right there in the room who also speaks English. THE BEST.
But here comes Mini-Abraham! Better do what he says, or maybe just hand him Chris twice and see if he’s cool with that arrangement. Sure! Take the kid. We won’t miss you, or anyone, because it’s impossible to care about any of these flat characters on this embarrassingly blatant (AND ILL THOUGHT OUT) cash grab of a spinoff. Join us next week! Will Daughter Lady have more than two lines? Probably not. The boat is more of a character than her at this point. Will Salazar peel layers off of Strand’s skin off until he admits he was behind 9/11? Sure. Sounds about right. Will I write this recap on time next week? Definitely, unless someone comes through with a free ticket to weekend two of Coachella. Someone please come through with a free ticket, I want to see LCD Soundsystem again, they’re my favorite band and I had a religious experience last Friday. Shouts to Nancy, James, Pat, Gavin and the rest of the band. I’m so glad they’re making music together again! NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S02E03 of Fear The walking Dead!