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Some of the courageous men who keep us spineless, lily-livered cowards safe.


Today is Veterans Day, that solemn occasion when we honor those who have served in our armed forces and upheld the ideals of this great nation in an effort to protect and preserve democracy for future generations. And we at Funny Or Die News wanted to take a moment to extend our heartfelt gratitude on behalf of not only ourselves, but all the other sniveling cowards out there.

Without the dedication and valor of those who have enlisted in the United States Army, Air Force, Navy, Marine Corps, and National Guard, we namby-pamby, milksop weaklings, too terrified to have any sort of strong conviction in regard to anything, would not be afforded the freedom to continue in our chickenshit ways.

It is the unbelievable courage and willingness of the heroes in our military to make the ultimate sacrifice that allows myself and others of my candy-ass ilk to anxiously skulk through life, pissing in our pants at the merest perceived threat.

So, to those who shivered through monsoon season in a foxhole in Vietnam, soaked to the skin as mortars exploded overhead, while I and those like me would have immediately scampered like shitting, sobbing, wild-eyed baby rabbits across the Canadian border at even the mention of the draft: We say thank you.

And to those who stopped in its tracks the scourge of genocidal Nazi fascism as it swept across Europe during the Second World War, when despicable yellow-bellies such as myself ā€” practically vomiting on ourselves with fear ā€” would quickly have shot ourselves in the foot with our service rifles during boot camp in a desperate attempt to avoid the front lines: We say thank you.

And to all the other brave servicemen and women who took a pledge to defend our nation, come what may, to the point of even laying down your lives ā€” from the bottoms of our weak, craven hearts: We say thank you.

I would shake your hand, but Iā€™m scared you would squeeze too hard and it would hurt.

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