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April 07, 2013

Why do bad things happen to okay basketball players?


Debating if Kevin Ware's crutches would be better served for the talent at CBS (creators of the brilliantly written "2 BROKE GIRL$") in the network's limping performance:

With the end of the NCAA tournament this week, CBS's yearly ratings have, like Kevin Ware's leg, been shattered.  Ironically, it's estimated that CBS will also need 8-12 months to recover all its sports reporting merit lost during coverage of "Kevin Ware's" 2013 Final Four.


Breaking ankles and legs both, Tyler Thornton demonstrates how to appropriately react to the raw footage.

It's debatable which is more nauseating: watching the replay of Kevin Ware's injury, or sitting through any one of CBS's hour-long dramas.  If CBS instead took to YouTube with Kevin Ware's story, his injury video would be titled "Epic Basketball Fail LOL".  People would stumble into it through a suggestion on "Skateboarder's Nut-Smasher".  Ware's efforts to contest a Duke 3-pointer have indirectly showed us the most gratuitously exposed shin bone since Hershel got his shit wrecked on "The Walking Dead".


AMC did it first, CBS.

After his stretcher-led performance against Wichita State, Kevin Ware has set the bravery bar to new heights.  With his benchwarming/heartwarming courage, CBS has come up with sure-fire ingredients to a war-hero-type inspiration; apparently, it's 10% hard work, 5% dedication, and 85% having a medical history of shin splints.  Accidentally suffering a gruesome tibia fracture on live television takes a special, brave person to do...accidentally.  Pain is temporary, and bones heal after a few months, but CBS holds its rating figures on file for years on years to come.


Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy Rick Grimes responded to the call in Atlanta.

In the academic world, Kevin Ware's staggering increase in popularity has prompted the University of Louisville registrar's office to include "Inspiration" as an offered major for undergraduates; the suggested minor in "Injury-Entitled Heroism" is pending.

Assuming CBS has already cast Kevin Ware as a "Big Bang Theory" character next season, his presence will add a different perspective to the topical humor regularly pandered to the "geniuses".  Bringing a Ph.D. from Harvard in Practical Geometry (not to mention his Bachelor's Degree in Clueless-When-It-Comes-To-Women), Dr. Ware will crack the Pythagorean calculations of layup angles and apply the findings to his on-court game AND his dating game.  Unfortunately, basketball games will be shortened by 25 minutes to spare ample room for laugh-track fillers.  Look for Trey Burke to cameo - he gives Sheldon a well-deserved wedgie for thinking The Final Four is a Marvel Comics reference.


Maybe a swirlie too.

In fact, with hostility in North Korea escalating and with U.S. viewers in need of a comforting image, CBS has already added Kevin Ware to the Evening News Team as Scott Pelley's correspondent.  The program's new catchphrase, a cheap "informed and 'aware' " pun, is Ware's only dialogue, however, his main job is to appear hopeful at Pelley's side and to sit out of the action, but still in the spotlight.

CBS and David Stern are reportedly negotiating the formation of a station-owned NBA team, the "Louisville 'Warewolves' ".  The franchise stadium, "The Warehouse", will seat over fifty thousand and is already under construction.  Fans will be required to show proof of CBS support at the door and, also, must engage in bi-quarterly standing ovations to Kevin Ware.  Ware will serve as all-time referee, in honor of his unfortunate spill, and team uniforms will consist of full body casts littered in CBS advertisements.

I haven't considered a sports injury this brave since the time I broke my arm during a 3rd grade baseball game (the doctor and my mother can both attest to the bravery).  At the time, however, David Letterman declined my multiple requests to appear on his show. CBS wanted to hold off on the heartfelt broken-bone sports story until a basketball piece came around.


Top 10 channels people prefer over CBS?

Kevin Ware may have only averaged 4.5 points per game, but the inspiration stemming from his unthinkable injury has scored CBS an additional 4.5 million viewer slam dunk.  Trey Burke has Ware beat in every basketball statistics, but Burke cannot compete in the Google Trends arena.  If team contribution was measured in courage, Kevin Ware would average a triple-double.  Realistically speaking, though, statistical analysis put his numbers in the double-single category.


People know what they want.



They know EXACTLY what they want...

Will Kevin Ware be able to thank his teammates when he's awarded the CBS Finals MVP next year? Find out this week, on a brand spankin' new "Two and a Half Men".