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Can anybody finnnnnd meeeeeee…

Here we are at the end of all things. We’ve come so far, from Corvette and air conditioners, to Nikki Swango and pump action shotguns.

Somebody To Love is this:

Brace yourselves; it’s about to get SPOILERY.

1) Paperwork

In a season full of shocking twists and turns, we kick things off the most shocking way possible - paperwork!

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This case is a pain in the I.R.asS.

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“Make it out ‘To eBay’”

Gloria is handing in her resignation, Larue Dollard is investigating and Emmit is signing away his life.

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Even her phone number is archaic.

Larue calls Gloria after finding a note saying they should talk. A meet-cute!

When he calls, though, she has no clue who he is, implying that Nikki connected them anonymously. Someone’s read “Never Eat Alone!”

I’d say “always text a woman first” but this is Techless Gloria so I imagine her cell phone is a rock with painted on numbers.

Larue tells her they should meet and after lots of back and forth he says the secret word: VM Varga!

Apparently Varga has borrowed upwards of $200 million, leveraged against Stussy Corporation, and yet still no one has asked him what the VM stands for. Meanwhile I need three forms of ID to cash my $2.00 scratch off at the bodega.

Gloria pulls her resignation letter and heads out.

2) Gods of War

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GameStop Exclusive

Mr. Wrench and Nikki set up like it’s The Last of Us. Pre-order your trap and get the unlock code for all weapons!

It’s what happens when you declare war on the God of War (we’ve all seen “Wonder Woman” at this point right?).

3) Eat ‘til you’re Stussed

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Emmit is food. This is what Varga tells him as he exhaustedly signs away his life. Realizing no one is going to let him take a nap, Emmit grabs Meemo’s gun and it’s standoff time!

Varga distracts Emmit long enough to freshen his eyeballs with some breath spray while Meemo Meemos up behind Emmit and whacks him, earning the “KO Emmit” Achievement Trophy.

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The retsin is TOO refreshing!!!

4) “This is a mistake.”

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TFW you told your friends you weren’t going out but then you see them while you’re out

Varga shows up to the Abandoned Lot Map for their co-op showdown with Nikki and Wes Wrench. A small abandoned child leads Varga’s Army - Vargarmy? - into the warehouse and up the elevators in a patient, tension filled sequence.

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Ready for his closeup

In the elevator Nikki tortures Varga the one way you can - by locking him in a room and training a camera on him. The man that behind the curtain is now directly in the spotlight. He’s so uncomfortable you’d think he’s us watching him eat.

Varga sends his NPCs and Meemo ahead to find…a note on a card table! Nikki’s transmogrifying powers have increased tenfold.

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Nikki you look different.

Right then Varga gets a booty call–no wait, it’s a tipoff from Admiral Ackbar!

Varga takes off leaving EVERYONE to die as he rides the elevator back to the ground.

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“You’re just going to the store for cigarettes and you’ll be back, right dad?

Meemo watches Varga abandon him in a Meemotional goodbye.

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The floor is getting shot with a shotgun

On the main floor Nikki waits for Varga with a shotgun, only to find his coat. Varga escapes up the elevator shaft! Nikki hasn’t even seen his final form!

Wrench comes back with the cash, which Nikki gives him because

Wrench was the missing piece for Nikki. A man who worked with Lorne Malvo would be the only person capable of pulling off the cold blooded planning that has taken place since Christmas. Wrench leaves with his new bag of cash and Nikki leaves with a bag full of righteous vengeance.

5) Stamp of Approval

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Emmit wakes up in his home, alone, his stamp affixed to his forehead. Garfield what did we tell you about trying to send Emmit to Abu Dhabi?

He symbolically tosses it aside as he speeds away to his office–

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When you think you’re an Emmit but you’re a Ray

Where he’s being symbolically tossed aside.


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She.M. Varga

GOLDFARB WAS IN CAHOOTS WITH VARGA THE WHOLE TIME. She bought the company for $100K, what a steal!

But Emmit’s $300 million in debt, what a nightmare!

Then her friends Mike and Mike escort Emmit out the door.

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“They’re BOTH named Mike?”

6) Leveraged Bleedout

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“Y'see, the IRS is like organized crime but it’s legal.”

Larue breaks down Varga’s business model - buy a company, borrow massive amounts of cash, pocket the money, sell the company for a song. Binge, purge, repeat.

Larue doesn’t care except they didn’t pay their taxes. America - where anything’s legal as long as the government gets their cut.

7) Warning Shots

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“Fine, Winnie, I’ll read your screenplay.”

Gloria shoots off to the scene of a crime. Nikki’s crime. Where Winnie Lopez breaks down the crime for Gloria. Nikki’s crime.

After seeing who did what, Gloria takes off because somebody’s gotta warn Emmit!

8) “Are you as low as you can go?”

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At the bottom of everything

Emmit stalls out in the middle of the middle of nowhere, cursing his everything and smashing his phone. We get it, Noah Hawley; technology can eat a scrotum.

Hoping for a kind stranger to help, a rusted old truck pulls up and produces a pissed off, gun toting Nikki. The opposite of a kind stranger.

Nikki asks him if he’s fallen as far as he could, a line is SO cold I had to put a sweater on to type it. Emmit thinks about it and nah, he could definitely tumble a little further.

Nikki tells him there’s no one left that loves him and I have to put on a second sweater because this woman is spitting blizzards.

Emmit decides yep, that’s as low as I can go and asks her shoot him, giving Nikki pause. She begins her Ezekiel 25:17 moment, which Paul asked her to deliver in the bowling alley, but doesn’t finish because here comes a random police officer.

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“Be honest, does the hat work on me?”

He asks for license and registration, aka the police combo classic, and Nikki tries to Meemo her way back to her gun. The officer smells fishiness, Emmit mentions “gun,” and here we go.

Emmit jumps out of the car and Nikki uses the distraction to–

9) Cop Out

10) Swangone

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I’m not crying shut up.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead took the trope of the femme fatale and flipped it completely on its head with Nikki Swango. She played the character with as much warmth in the beginning of the season as she played the cold ruthlessness in the latter half. It’s a stunning performance, maybe one of my favorite ever on television.

Winstead said in interviews that the key to Swango, for her, was believing that Nikki truly loved Ray. It wasn’t a con, like the rest of her life. She’d truly found peace with him; “sympatico” as she oft mentioned in the season premiere.

Hopefully she gets to cat around with Ray the Kitten somewhere across the universe.

11) “Okay then.”

12) Copsicles

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“ I thought they were blood orange popsicles but they’re just blood.”

Gloria and her weiner kid have a rocket pop at the scene of the crime and chat about everything from Ennis passing away to why they are sitting at the scene of a double homicide eating sugar bars.

I almost liked the kid here and then he started whining again. Kids are like pets that learn how to complain.

13) Home, Not Alone

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“I can hear you digesting”

Emmit finaly makes it to his wife’s house and breaks down in her arms. The camera pans across the house and it’s now–

14) Five Years Later

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That’s a long house.

We learn Emmit pled guilty to tax fraud and received two years probation and also may have $20 million hidden in offshore accounts. Sy is here but it’s clear that the damage done from the poisoning has turned hm into a broken man. Classic case of Corvette’s Revenge.

But who cares; Emmit’s just so happy to have the band back together! He gets his happy ending.

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Emmit heads to the fridge to watch his life flash before his eyes but gets in the way of Mr. Wrench trying to put his gun in the fridge. Just like Ray!

Wrench shoots Emmit in the back of the skull for getting in the way. Surprise!


The shot runs about as long as it would take for the mute Wes Wrench to say deliver the message that Paul entrusted to Nikki. Love that symmetry.

Thus endeth the reign of the Goddamn Parking Lot King of Minnesota.
Ewan McGregor made both of the Stussy brothers their own people, breathing life into every line he delivered. It’s a pair of powerful performances that not a lot of actors could pull off.

I’ll say it again - Emmy McGregor, baby.

15) The Nature of Truth

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Still in the future we meet back up with Burgle who is now Department of Homeland Security. She walks in to interrogation to have a chat with…VM Varga. Oops I mean Mr. Rand.

Burgle cuts through his bullshit and shows him the elevator picture. No fake story this time!

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Dick pic

In a mirror of the opening of the season we have a sit down interview debating the meaning of truth and facts.

Varga reasserts what was said in that earlier scene - truth is based on what is written by the winners, regardless of what the facts might reveal.

Burgle tells Varga that Emmit was murdered and asks if he ordered the hit. He denies, of course, and we have another standoff of truth.

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Gloria tells Varga he’s gonna rot in jail while she takes her weiner kid to the state fair for his birthday. Varga, meanwhile, says a commanding officer will come in, release him, and he’ll disappear. Moe Dammick all over again.

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We sit. We wait. To see which truth comes to pass.

And then we fade to black.

16) This Is A Story

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This season of “Fargo” was one of the most beautiful and well-crafted pieces of television I’ve ever watched. The themes of “truth” and “duality” bled down from the writing to the shot selections to the mirrored lens of the first and last scenes of the season. Noah Hawley used classic storytelling tropes and purposely upended them, just to see what would happen next. He also did this within the confines of a show that was a thematic homage to the work of two storytellers who sit at the peak of symbolic storytelling.

The elusive nature of truth and facts will always be at odds. The human brain is only capable of understanding, or choosing to understand, so much. Connect them to another brain and things get more complicated. The more complicated the facts become, the more simple we want the truth to be. The problem is the truth is rarely that simple. Men like Roger Stone VM Varga, who traffic in the shadows, profit from seeing the world as a chess board of truth, playing the pieces against one another for their own profit.

Hawley created a season that felt less like chapters and more like a 10 hour movie. Watching this week to week was a thrill and the anticipation of Wednesday nights added to theorizing and analyzation. In the future, this will be can’t-miss binge watching, the kind of film you can’t peel away from.

At the end of the day, though, this was a story. I’d say it was a true story, but what is the point of that? The truth is already a story.

That does it for season 3 of Fargo, and maybe Fargo altogether? This episode felt like a mission statement and if that’s the case, then go out on top.

Thank you for travelling up to Minnesota and braving the cold with me this season. May your truths always be filled with facts, may your Kings always be of Parking Lots, and may you never find yourself without a putter-inner.