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Published April 15, 2010 More Info »
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Published April 15, 2010




Dr. Cletus Valentino Hatfield, local dentist and all around playboy, died today at the age of 25.  Known to the locals as Smiley and to the women as 10 inches of dental coverage, Smiley succumbed while massaging a patient's gums with his penis.  Rumor has it that novacaine wasn't used.

Dr. Hatfield, who built up a loyal following since 2010, will be missed.  His generosity in helping patients who couldn't pay was legendary.  His motto was, "If I was in it for the money, I would have been a caption writer."

After graduating from kindergarten, Smiley embarked on a career of unclogging outhouses and collecting urine samples of the deceased.  One day while flossing his tooth, Smiley realized his calling was in dentistry.  So he applied to "BillyJoeBob's School of Dentistry" where for 5 bucks he received a realistic looking diploma and a 10 foot roll of mint flavored floss.

Dr. Hatfield leaves behind a dog named "Hot," , an unfinished biography entitled "Maybe I Should Have Been An Oral Sturgeon," a Bill O'Reilly "The Spit Stops Here" door mat and 9 1/2 feet of mint flavored floss.

In keeping with Dr. Hatfield's wishes, no public services will be held because Smiley realized that since he was dead he wouldn't know the difference.  And in lieu of flowers, please make a donation in Dr. Hatfield's name to "Save The Nipple." 

Rest in peace, Smiley.

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