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September 26, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

During a concert in Washington, D.C., Madonna told the crowd to vote for Obama, adding, "We have a black Muslim in the White House! Now that’s some amazing shit.” Not surprising considering her run-in with Sen. John McCain four years ago

Toys R Us announced it's hiring 45,000 new employees for the holidays. But does it really take that many people to tell parents you don’t have what they’re looking for?

Speaking at the United Nations, President Obama said the U.S. "will do what we must to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon." Adding, “Even if it means electing Mitt Romney.” 

Obama also addressed the film "The Innocence of Muslims" and the decision not to remove it online, saying, "I accept that people are going to call me awful things every day, and I will always defend their right to do so." Speaking of which, have you read that book by the guy imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay? It's really good. A little wordy but good.

Due to the high price of corn, some farmers have begun feeding cows candy. But not candy corn. Not even cows like that nor do they appreciate the humor in the situation.

A new bill named after "Jersey Shore" star Snooki seeks to allow New Jersey towns to set limits on reality TV shoots. Unfortunately, while debating it, legislators drank too much Jager and threw up on each other.

A Cape Cod aquarium safely released a 655-pound sea turtle back into the ocean after it was found stranded last week. "You did with what with my husband?" said Chris Christie's wife.

The government will be loaning $197 million to a new solar panel manufacturing startup. The panels are already generating some power thanks to Republicans who won't stop glaring at them.

A Texas mother is upset after her daughter was spanked by a vice principal because he's a man. That's Texas: Don't you dare hit our children unless you have similar genitals. 

According to the New York Times, a plane or vehicle enters an active runway by mistake about three times a day in the U.S. Or if you're American Airlines, on purpose as well.