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January 09, 2017
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An informed public is a flag-eating public.

Being an American comes with certain inalienable rights. Free speech, for instance, as well as the right to peaceably assemble. But the best right is that you are totally allowed to eat a flag if you want. It’s a constitutionally protected meal, and anyone that says otherwise is in defiance of our laws.

When we protect other people’s right to eat the flag, we’re also protecting our own right to do the same. Our country was founded on the bedrock principle that we can chow down on whatever we want. The Founding Fathers used to eat tons of flags. John Adams never wasn’t eating one. That’s why he was so fat.

Know your history, people.

Do I think it’s a good idea to eat a flag? That’s not my place to say. Many people find it offensive, and it will almost certainly hurt your tummy. I’m not encouraging people to eat the flag, nor am I discouraging them to do so. I can only speak to the legality of the act.

You can prepare a flag in a number of constitutionally protected ways that will make it tastier. You can slather it in barbeque sauce and cook it up on your grill, or drape it over a tossed salad and sprinkle zesty Italian dressing on the stars. Whether or not you choose to go Tex-Mex with it is up to you.

That’s what freedom is all about.

Because I’m a legal scholar, people are always asking me if it’s cool to eat other countries’ flags. To them I say, “I’m eating a Croatian flag right now.”

But let’s get one thing straight: You are not allowed gobble someone else’s flag without their permission. Don’t do that. Also, you may not munch another person’s flag tattoo off their forearm. That is cannibalism, brother.

Back when I was in college at Harvard, I ate dozens of flags to protest the Vietnam War that was raging at the time, and to save me from having to buy an overpriced lunch from the cafeteria. Their chicken cacciatore was really bland.

The president-elect has threatened to strip Americans of their citizenship for burning our country’s flag. This kind of talk is justifiably worrisome to the millions of people who nosh flags each day, because it’s a slippery slope to dietary tyranny.

So it’s important for you to know your rights, and to stand up for them. An informed public is a flag-eating public. But don’t ever let me see you eating currency, motherfucker. I will beat your ass.

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