Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 13, 2016

Hillary Clinton as President of the U.S. is a dream come true, but it's time women learn their place when it comes to busting ghosts.

With Hillary Clinton as the presumptive Democratic Nominee for President of the United States, it’s a fantastic time for women in politics. Finally, girls across the country can gaze at our leaders and imagine themselves in her shoes. Yes, Virginia, you too can manipulate the country from the First Lady’s seat and then take over like a pantsuit-wearing black widow.

Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that women just aren’t satisfied with this monumental leap for our gender. Rather than accept their newfound political power, the fairer sex is using this revelation to gain leverage in another male-dominated industry: ghostbusting.

With their new film Ghostbusters, four women are taking Hollywood by storm and trying to prove once and for all that they have what it takes to banish Slimer and his pals from New York City. While that’s all well and good—I certainly think the city needs to do something about its ectoplasm problem—the film is complete fiction. Someone needs to say it: women are not biologically designed to bust ghosts.

My fellow women, we need to accept this lack of a ghostbusting capacity as fact. The sooner we stop kidding ourselves, the sooner we can get back to the important business of running for president or getting a man his morning coffee.

This isn’t an opinion, this is science. Men’s and women’s brains work differently. Men are practical, women are emotional. Men are physically strong; women, weak. Now I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a live ghostbusting, but it requires a cool head and strong forearms. If a woman can’t even drive a stick shift, how can she be expected to operate her Proton Packs, Ecto-Goggles, and PKE Meters all at once?

Observe how this ghostbusting is executed with weak shoulders and poor form.

Beyond the equipment, there are many real safety and security concerns when it comes to female ghostbusting. Number one: periods. Can you imagine trying to combat an ectoplasmic insurgency during that time of the month? I mean, I care about the future of the human race and all, but when Aunt Flo is visiting, it’s strictly chocolate and the heating pad, you know what I mean? Not to mention being around all of those complicated and dangerous ghostbusting contraptions when estrogen has you crying over a Subaru commercial. Yikes!

If you simply must bust a ghost, ladies—then we have to talk about one other thing: those jumpsuits. Have some self-respect, ladies. Those baggy brown atrocities are going to give you pancake ass for days. Perhaps the new Ghostbustersfilm could have been improved with stilettos and a little rouge. Take a cue from those Avengers movies that seem to be so popular—those ladies not only know how to wear latex, but they also know to ruminate quietly in the background and maybe take out one or two nameless cronies. It’s really Iron Man’s job to save the day, after all.

I recall a simpler time when this wasn’t even an issue. Back in the 80’s, no one was even questioning “who” should be ghostbusting—the answer was simple. We as a civilization relied on a dedicated team of men, headed by Bill Murray. Who doesn’t love Bill Murray? Those ghosts would head right back to Ghostville if they heard even a tinkle of Murray’s charming but oh-so down to Earth giggle.

Murray and his team got the job done, and they got it done well. Why do things need to change, simply for the sake of change? There’s a lot of talk about “female representation” in Hollywood these days—but what about realism? Everyone knows that, in real life, there are no female superheroes and crime-fighters. That’s the way it always was, and will be.

Women, I implore you to stick to realistic professions like President of the United States. Though, now that I’m saying all of this, I’m starting to rethink the whole “woman as leader of the free world” idea. If a woman can’t even bust ghosts properly, can she really be expected to bust Middle Eastern radicalism?

So—let me take a step back. Women, I implore you to stick to realistic professions like nanny or maid. Perhaps such an influx in the service industry will inspire a Maid in Manhattan sequel, which is really the best our society can hope for.

Kate Fustich is a writer living in Los Angeles. Visit her at http://katefustich.com
Images via Giphy