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January 05, 2016
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Gun control isn't as easy as, say, quitting your pistachio addiction.

President Obama stood atop the White House and announced his new executive orders to curb America’s gun violence problem. While up there, figuratively of course, he said, “I also believe that we can find ways to reduce gun violence consistent with the Second Amendment.”

All of this is good and well, but like, is it too soon? How can we know that America has a gun violence problem? There were over 300 mass shootings in 2015, but should we wait till it’s a nice rounder number, like 500, to declare it an issue? Eating 300 pistachios is commonplace but 500 might be reason to see a doctor. Oh wait, hmm, that metaphor doesn’t work because pistachios aren’t violent weapons that kill people; they are just tasty nuts.

People are already retaliating and giving Obama a hard time about this. Why should people have background checks who want to buy guns? You wouldn’t do that with pistachios! Shouldn’t we all just be able to unload an entire barrel of bullets and throw back a few of nature’s most delightfully delicious nuts without being hassled about it?! Oh sorry, I got caught up again with my love for pistachios. I’m just so passionate about them I forget that they don’t possess the power to end lives. Guns do that. Not pistachios.

Anyways, Obama will be holding a town hall meeting to further discuss his actions this* on Thursday.

*guns, not pistachios


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