Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 01, 2014

The Body Mass Index is outdated and in need of revamping. I propose we start using the W2H system.

The Body Mass Index (BMI) was devised in the first half of the 19th century as a tool to effectively evaluate the healthiness of the non-athletic white male. In a new world in which being fit is praised; African Americans and women can vote; eating/hormonal disorders are the norm; and the preference of ambiguous accroymns (e.g. “SSBBW”) over medical terminology (e.g. “fat ass”) a new system needs to be devised to accurately measure up a woman without having to pick her up or divide a big number by the square of decimal number after converting them to a foreign unit of measure.

I find the easy-to-use W2H system to be the ideal system when I need to evaluate the healthiness (i.e. fuckability) of a woman in a jam:

Waist x 2 / Height

Waist - The measurement around the waist in any metric. To subtly measure the waist use the HMC technique (Hug, Mark, Calculate). Hug: As tight as comfortable with whatever excuse you can muster. Subtract six inches from the total for every level of awkwardness over “mmm.” Mark: Use landmark locations for the next step (e.g. fingertips, wrists, elbows). Calculate: If unable to measure the arm span it is roughly equal to one’s height and subtract the overlapping amounts.

2 - It’s a number. Multiply the last number by this number. Idiot.

Height - Divide the total by the measurement of her height in any metric. It is important to note the height of her heels that needs to be subtracted from the total based on the probability of her keeping the heels on during coitus (Height + Heel * %). To calculate: compare her height to your own and add or subtract a commonly known metric to adjust (e.g. your penis length).

Scores - After calculating the results you will get a number near 1.00 +/- 0.35. Round that number to the closest tenth and use the chart below to evaluate your prey:

SCORE CLASS HEALTHLINESS CONCLUSION 1.3 SSBBW Super-Sized Big Beautiful Woman No! Never 1.2 SBBW Super-Big Beautiful Woman How desperate are you again? Probably not * 1.1 BBW Big Beautiful Woman Cushion for the Push'n Maybe * 1.0 BW Beautiful Woman Mmm Hmm Definately 0.9 W Woman Yeah Baby! Definately 0.8 WT Woman Toy Crazy Spinner Maybe * 0.7 WTF WTF Sicko! Too Bony or Underaged Probably not *

* - For Expert Use Only: Once familiarized with the W2H formula you may begin to add or subtract your blood alcohol content (BAC) from the total as you see fit. Satisfaction in the morning is not guaranteed.

Example: A drunk woman at the bar just hung up on her boyfriend after an argument. She gets up to freshen up in the restroom. You take the opportunity to measure her height at 66 inches because you’re 70 inches tall and she’s clearly your flaccid penis length shorter. When she returns within the “she didn’t poop” time frame you initiate the HMC technique for waist measurement by “accidentally” confusing her for a close friend: Wrists to elbows. Taking your arm span (70 inches) and subtracting the length of doubled up arm span (Length of Fingertip to Elbow + Hand Length) and 6 inches for a mild “huh” level of discomfort while hugging to reach a waist measurement of 26 inches. Plug and chug another beer: (26 x 2) / 66 = 0.7878 -> 0.8. Referring to the W2H chart and you identify this broad as a WT (Woman Toy) with a healthiness of “crazy spinner” and the conclusion “maybe.” Since you haven’t ever had a spinner before you might as well spin her, bend her, and forget her. You didn’t even need to factor in BAC. Congrats!