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September 01, 2016
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There can be only one title for a movie about a 70 ft shark vs. Jason Statham: SHARKPUNCHER.

Dear Warner Brothers Marketing,

You are making a movie which, according to your press releases, will become the greatest shark movie of all time. It is about the discovery of a 70 foot prehistoric shark – and only one man can stop it: JASON STATHAM!

I mean, come on. You had me at 70 ft shark. But then you added Jason Statham? Suck it, Aquaman, THIS movie’s gonna have the greatest underwater fight scenes ever filmed. I bet James Cameron wishes he weren’t knee-deep in Na'vi mind-rape tails, because THIS IS GOING TO MAKE FILM HISTORY.

And then I read the title of this epic thrill-ride, this monumental clash of titans, and I actually threw up in my mouth.

MEG.

THAT’S your title?

Yes, I’m aware that Meg stands for Megalodon which is the scientific name of the 70 foot killing machine, but how am I going to keep my dignity if I have to say “Hey guys – you wanna go see MEG this weekend?”

MEG is what you call a damp washcloth. Or the lump of moldy mac & cheese you found under your couch. Or a rejected Muppet.

NO. NONONONONONONONONO.

Jason Statham deserves better than MEG. The largest sea predator of all time deserves better than MEG. I DESERVE BETTER THAN MEG!

So here’s a new title for you. One that will get people LINED UP AROUND THE BLOCK EVEN IF THEY PRESELECTED THEIR SEATS ON FANDANGO.

(ready?)

SHARKPUNCHER.

That’s right: Sharkpuncher. Because as you must know by looking through his contract, Jason Statham will not sign on to a movie unless he punches the villain a minimum of 10 times. GUARANTEED. Here’s the best part: Did you know you can stop a Great White by punching it in the nose? I DON’T CARE IF IT’S NOT TRUE!

JasonStathamPunch.jpg

This fist is insured for $1M dollars.

SHARKPUNCHER. Say it out loud. It rolls off the tongue IF YOUR TONGUE WERE A FIST (whoa. That’s a great, idea, too). You know what it sounds like to me? It sounds like $1B worldwide.

Now understand something: if you have the greatest working action star (and you do) and you don’t have him punching the super-sized shark in the finale, YOU HAVE MADE THE WRONG MOVIE. A movie that deserves to have the title of a bad Nora Ephron movie starring guess who: MEG Ryan.

(Although if this were a movie where Jason Statham punched Meg Ryan, I would pay for that, too. But it’s not. It’s about a shark. And a guy who punches it.)

SHARKPUNCHER. Here’s the poster:

Sharkpuncher.jpg

It’s Jason Statham COLD COCKING A GIANT SHARK. Literally everyone who sees this poster will buy a ticket. I’m sure I’ve increased your presales 1000x already.

And here’s the kicker: you have Rainn Wilson in the movie. As a scientist. Get ready, because here’s how you make this the GODFATHER of shark films: make the “shark” a human-shark hybrid. That’s right. A 70 foot shark WITH RAINN WILSON’S FACE. He’s already been a fish man in House of 1000 Corpses.

rainn fishboy.jpg

Now imagine him 70 ft long with shark teeth!

Hear me out: Rainn starts out wanting to understand the shark, then sees the purity of this majestic creature who is 70 feet of pure killing machine and suddenly, he has an idea: with HIS brains and MEG’S brawn, they can rule the world! So he sciences something BLAH BLAH BLAH rewrite your current third act because Rainn-Shark vs. Jason Statham will be the greatest movie showdown in all of movie history.

SHARKPUNCHER.

You’re welcome.

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