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September 18, 2008


“Monk Monk’s Monkey Morphing (Part I)”

(Wait! Scratch that! I haven’t written a second part!)

(No, wait! I have!)

(Or did I write it and misplace it?)

(Shit, I can’t remember!)

(This subtitle is to announce there will be no other subtitles.)

(Wait! There’s one more: Anything in parenthesis in the poem is not a subtitle, but an aside.)

(There, no more subtitles.)

(I promise.)

By Ivan (Subtitle) O’Uris


A monk named Monk

(Unrelated to Thelonious Monk

And unfamiliar with the TV show Monk)

Tried morphing into a monkey.

Monk Monk used a monkey wrench

While listening to “Monkey Wrench,”

Monkey bars,

A sea monkey,

A brass monkey.

He watched 12 Monkeys

While listening to the Monkees.

He watched 12 monkeys

Watching 12 Monkeys while listening to the Monkees.

He even did the Monkey

While listening to “Mickey’s Monkey”

“Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey”

And “Monkey Gone to Heaven.”

But Monk Monk did not become a monkey

(Or a Monkee – or a Monkee with a monkey doing the Monkey).

What and where is Monk’s key to becoming a monkey?

Or is there a key?

You must wait and see.



Background Notes: Ivan O’Uris, in case you haven’t read or heard (or read and heard – or read and heard and seen – or read and heard and seen and smelled – or read and heard, blah, blah, blah) is a deceitfully truthful journalist, poet and monkey bather from Luscia. An island in the northern Atlantic Ocean, Luscia was originally believed to have been founded by people fleeing the spitting monkeys of Greenland. It is Ivan’s Luscian upbringing that prompted this poem.

Growing up, Ivan knew Montezuma Yao Monk, a monk who was excommunicated from the Luscian Offbeat Orthodox Church after watching the original version of Planet of the Apes and becoming convinced the world’s simians would revolt against humankind and force people to ride unicycles and dance to organ grinder music while wearing little hats and/or overalls. Hoping to avoid persecution when the inevitable revolt occurred, Mr. Monk unsuccessfully tried morphing into a monkey. When that failed, he began walking around the island with a stuffed monkey, hoping it would ward off the revolting simians, only he called it his “minkey,” having become convinced he was Inspector Jacques Clouseau after being clouted by an overripe banana while watching The Return of the Pink Panther. On Jan. 24, 2004, he was tried and imprisoned for spanking his monkey, which violated Luscia’s No Spanking the Monkey Act of Jan. 24, 2004. He was released after another law was passed (also on Jan. 24, 2004) repealing the No Spanking the Monkey Act of Jan. 24, 2004, titled The No Laws Named After Sexual Euphemisms to Be Used for Sophomoric Jokes Act of … You Know Damned Well When It Was Passed. Ivan, who covered the case for the newspaper The Luscian O’Buenklava, became interested in telling Mr. Monk’s story in verse. He wrote this poem on a banana peel that was presumed lost until Ivan O’Uris scholars Mark Moyer, E.E. Pointer and Shawn Roney found it in December 2005 in Ivan’s cluttered apartment under a stuffed monkey being spanked by a dominatrix dressed like one of the spitting monkeys of Greenland.


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