Um, OK, guys. Like the rest of you, I saw Jurassic World this weekend. It was awesome! I had a super fun time. But here’s the thing — thanks to JW’s deceptively subtle product placement, I left the theater and immediately purchased a Mercedes-Benz GLE Coupé. They showed it a bunch in the film so I was like, “Guess I should buy one. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ”
I cannot afford a Mercedes-Benz GLW Coupé.
Someone should have stopped me. I distinctly remember leaning over to my seatmate and saying, “Everyone driving that Mercedes looks cool and attractive. God help me but when this is over I’m gonna get one.” Now, a SANE person would have said, “Mike, I don’t think you have enough money to buy that. Your Mom still pays your phone bill.” But all THIS guy said was, “I don’t know who you are, can you please stop talking?” (I should mention I was flying solo at this screening.)
I assumed there would be a mass exodus for the Mercedes dealership so I left 10 minutes before the movie ended to avoid the rush. (I still don’t know how it ends. I assume the dinos win?) When I arrived at the dealership I pointed to the first one I saw and said, “Wrap it up!” The man began price negotiations but I told him, “I don’t have time for this shit, I’ll pay whatever because I SAW THIS PRODUCT IN A MOVIE.” And yes, I realize now I should have engaged in these negotiations when he offered. I was just so eager to get behind the wheel of a car I saw in a big time Hollywood picture that I said, “I’ll pay 20% more than sticker price if you will please shut the fuck up and give me the keys right now.” NEGOTIATION PRO TIP: When buying something, don’t offer MORE than the seller asks no matter how quickly you wanna get out of there.
The drive home was WONDERFUL. Oh, god it was great. I pretended I was Bryce Dallas Howard the entire ride down the West Side Highway. “I BOUGHT THIS BECAUSE I SAW IT IN A MOVIE!” I yelled to my fellow passengers as I passed them on the left. “I’M DRIVING THIS FAST BECAUSE I’M PRETENDING YOU’RE VELOCIRAPTORS!” People seemed mad but what they don’t understand is that when you see something in a film, it means you have to buy it.
The morning after was sobering to say the least. I realized … I don’t have $45,000 to spend on a car. To be honest, I don’t have half that. Or even a license! As far as impulse purchases go, this one was probably my worst. Naturally, I drove back to the dealership for a full refund. You can imagine my surprise when I was informed, “No, sir, this doesn’t happen all the time.” I explained that it wasn’t my fault but rather the diabolical geniuses that so inconspicuously incorporated Mercedes-Benz branding into their film.“Ron” wasn’t having it.
It was around this time I was tricked into buying a second one. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, SHAME ON YOU MORE, RON! I swear to God I feel like they put Mercedes all over Jurassic World cause they WANTED people to buy them!! Same with Coke! And same with Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville franchises! (But that I’m not too upset about ’cause it’s actually pulling a pretty sweet profit at the moment.)
So here I am license-less and with two Mercedeses. I’m like pretty fucked and, as you can guess, my finances are in dire straights. I already wasn’t thrilled about a $15 movie but that seems like a straight-up bargain compared to the $90K I’m currently in the hole for. I’m also frustrated cause I’m not entirely sure who to focus my anger at, I’m mad at Jurassic Park, I’m mad at Mercedes-Benz, but, more than anyone, I’m mad at myself. Actually that’s not true. I’m more mad at Jurassic Park and Mercedes-Benz. But I swear to Christ, I’m not going to go to another fucking film for the rest of my life AND THAT’S A PROMISE.
Anyways, this is where you guys come in. I need someone who read this to please buy one or both of my cars. Even if you already have a vehicle, think of how fun it would be to drive the same one the T-Rex drives in Jurassic World! (I don’t remember the film very well.) For $50K, you can! (Yes, I know earlier I said I bought it for $45K but if I could make a few bucks off this sale that would be trill as hell.) If you’re interested, you can find me on Venmo. Or find me in person at the new Margaritaville on 29th and 5th! We’ve got a volcano that shoots liquor all over the restaurant on the hour!
Also by reading this you are entering a binding agreement to mail me $90K. I should have mentioned that up top. Thanks guys!