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From: Sam Nesbit <themaskedsam@gmail.com>
To: Sam Nesbit <themaskedsam@gmail.com>
Subject: Great party last night!!!!

Hey guys!

First of all, thank you to everyone who came to my Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party last night! It was a great party because you all were there!

Secondly, you guys really looked like you were having fun, which is something I care about as the host of an Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party. I noticed a few you of you in the foyer fucking a ton which was great to see. And even though I thought I’d closed off my master bedroom, I can’t really be upset knowing no less than 20 of you just went to town in there.

It should go without saying that I can’t wait for round two (though hopefully someone else can host, while I handle logistics). I’ve already booked a new blindfolded piano player after what happened with Pietro this year. As you can guess, he won’t be coming back after one of you removed his blindfold and was shocked to discover he was the musical accompaniment to a 40 person orgy (great turnout, everyone!).

As I stressed in my Evite, secrecy is the key to throwing a successful Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party. It’s all part of the experience. We all wear masks to protect our identities during the event, much like Tom Cruise did when he went to the fuck party that inspired our own.

Anyway, while I’ve got you, here are a few more things in regard to next year’s Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party, which I’m sure is going to be even better than this year’s!

 

  1. Please do not ignore the passwords. They exist for a reason. Since only Randy (I believe it was Randy?) and I said “Kcirbuk” (our visionary’s name backwards) upon entering, I do not know if it were my friends or complete strangers engaging in unadulterated, sweaty sexual intercourse in my home. In fact, most of you just handed your coat to the man I hired to guard the door. Chalk it up to a miscommunication, I guess. My bad as host!
  2. Nobody ate any of the deviled eggs that I’d spent hours preparing. Instead many of you chose to fuck on them. While I love that you guys were really going at it, they were delicious and I may be biased, but I really feel like you all missed out by not indulging in them. A fuck party is the time to let go of inhibitions, so have that extra snack.
  3. It is customary that at an Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party, the organizer is the master and not to be ignored. Nobody followed any of my instructions or Latin chants, though I was happy that everyone still had a pleasant and liberating time. Again, sweet fuck party, everyone! We really did it!
  4. It is also customary that the master have free reign to have sex with any woman he chooses. In fact, this is the most important part of the party, a detail all the women in attendance ignored. Perhaps you were intimidated by my authority, but trust that I was available to take part in any and all sexual activities.
  5. An Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party is meant to be a classy event, much like it was in the Tom Cruise film, Eyes Wide Shut. While I do not expect everyone to stay clothed throughout the night, please note the following dress code:
    • Men: Tuxedo, with cape
    • Women: Sequined thong, with cape
  6. Note that the following items, all of which were worn last night, are forbidden:
    • Corduroy pants
    • Bolo ties
    • A t-shirt that says “The Man, The Legend” with an arrow pointing at your face and another pointing at your crotch, respectively
    • Did one of you wear a Best Buy uniform?
  7. Please do not ignore the safe words. As you may recall, one of the larger men in attendance (Randy?) cornered me, bent me over his lap, removed my mask, and began spanking me in front of everyone despite the fact that I was screaming “Red Rubber Ball,” the agreed upon code.
  8. The point of the safe word is to cease the action immediately. It DOES NOT mean “lock the person who said it in the soundproof panic room he had built in case of emergency and continue to spank him."
  9. Everyone should know the keycode to the panic room in advance. In case it ever comes up, it's "T0mCruiseN00d."
  10. If anyone is still at my house, please let me out of this panic room. I am in here with nothing but my cell phone and possibly Randy, who passed out from exhaustion only 20 minutes ago. I refuse to remove his mask, as I would be nothing but a hypocrite if I did.
  11. Just remember to have fun. In secret, of course!

Originally appeared on The Occasional 
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