Any idiot can write a poem. Over the course of history, many idiots have. Most of them are bad. But with a few simple changes, these poems will suck less and make more sense to you. Take note of these sucky poems that suck - revised! They're much more awesomer now.
THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
By Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one more traveled by,
Because I did not want to get stabbed by a homeless drifter.
HOW DO I LOVE THEE?
By Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee for paying for dinner last night when I forgot my wallet.
I had fun, but I’m sorry I forgot that I am going to be leaving town tomorrow
O CAPTAIN! MY CAPTAIN
By Walt Whitman
O Captain! My Captain!
Crunch-a-tize me, Cap’n!
By Rudyard Kipling
Sigh. Be honest, you don’t care about this poem at all.
You just like me because of “The Jungle Book”.
You haven’t read the original, just seen the Disney version, though.
Which is actually pretty good. Different, but good. Go watch it.
ODE ON A GRECIAN URN
By John Keats
WTF? Who writes an ode on an urn?
That is pretty creepy, if you ask me.
If I ran a crematorium, the slogan would be
“Get the funeral that you’ve urn-ed!”
But otherwise death is no laughing matter.
I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS
By Maya Angelou
Oh crap, I forgot to feed that stupid thing.
I didn’t even want it, it was a gift.
So much singing. So much angry, angry singing.
THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT
By William Shakespeare (His wife was Anne Hathaway. Not the one from “Bride Wars”, though)
Now is the winter of our discontent,
Aw man, I don’t feel like shovelling and finding my boots and all that mess.
I really don’t want to.
I would rather drink my way through a bottle of cough syrup while playing “Mass Effect 3”
And marathon-ing Season 4 of “The Big Bang Theory”, because I feel smart when I watch it.
I am sorry to
Teach you this harsh lesson, friend
Haikus don’t pay well.
By Edgar Allen Poe
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
An annoying raven quoth “Nevermore” a lot.
I don’t understand why EAP didn’t shoot this thing the first chance he got.
Didn’t he rip out a guy’s heart and hide it under his floor in another poem?
I mean, come on dude.
They’re now making a movie based on this poem, starring John Cusack.
I hope at the end Edgar Allen Poe lifts a boombox over his head that is playing “In Your Eyes”
By Peter Gabriel and everyone’s differences are resolved. That would move me.