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December 04, 2010

The Noah's Ark Museum cometh.

I'm sure you have heard about the asylum the lunatics are building in Kentucky. You know, the Noah's Ark Theme Park. Yep, it's being built by the same delusional monkeys that have brought us the Creation Museum. The park developers are bragging that the ark will be to scale! How big was the floating zoo? Genesis 6:15 states 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high (NIV Study Bible).  Now, I'm not a mathematician or a zoologist but that seems to be a rather confined space for two of every animal, right? We all know that there was two of every animal on the ark (Genesis 6:20). Maybe. Maybe not. Just a few lines after God tells Noah to take to take 7 of every clean animal and 2 of every unclean critter (Genesis 7:2). If I were Noah I would be: 1) concerned that God doesn't seem to know what He wants (two of every animal yesterday, today it's 7 clean and 2 unclean, tomorrow... who knows?); 2) making sure not to mention the incongruity - that kind of talk will get me voted off the ark.

I wrote a horror/comedy script with a buddy of mine about the Nephilim. Ever heard of them? Check out how the Noah story starts in chapter 6 of Genesis.

1And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,

2That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.

Well, that's just weird. Who are the sons of God? If they were just run of the mill men why not just say "Men took really hot wives"? No, in the notes of the NIV there is a discussion whether or not the sons of God that were mentioned were in fact - angels. Yep, angels coming to Earth to have their way with hot babes. There is some reference to this deviltry in the New Testament.

For if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but sent them to hell, putting them into gloomy dungeons to be held for judgment; if he did not spare the ancient world when he brought the flood on its ungodly people, but protected Noah, a preacher of righteousness, and seven others (2 Peter 2:4, 5)

So what kind of creature is born of the angel-man hybrid? Nephillim (Hebrew for "fallen ones").

The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of men and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown. (Genesis 6:4)

Of course, God didn't like the Nephilim. In the commentary (once again in  the NIV) God saw these fallen ones as "ripe for judgement". It's funny, right after those verses God gets really, really vengeful. I think he was more pissed off having his angels fathering angel/human mutants than normal people engaging in sin.

So I say bring on the Noah's Ark Theme Park/Asylum! I DEMAND authenticity! We must have angels at the front gates picking out the really attractive women to have sex with. Of course, I am willing to relocate to Kentucky to spearhead this porno-Biblical enterprise. (Don't tell the wife. I plan to tell her I've found God and need to do His work. I'll write - probably.)

Christians will say I'm crazy.

I'll just retort, "The Bible said it - I believe it! Now, when do I start working? I want to spread my seed!"

I'm bringing old-school sexy back.

In Purgatory.