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Stats & Data

July 16, 2008



Blog number two, long overdue apparently. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel that I should write unless I have something worth writing about. This is probably the reason why I detest writing papers for school. It’s like, “oh, thank you so much for forcing me to write about something I don’t want to write about and you don’t want to read about! I really appreciate it.”

So my current predicament is whether puppies or babies are better. This was sparked by my aunt’s recent miracle baby arrival, and also my roommate informing me that she is getting another puppy to live with us. To which I replied “I think I might be pregnant, hope you don’t mind.” A little bit of background: my roommate is made very uncomfortable by babies. And I like puppies alright and everything, but when they get in the way of my peaceful living environment we have a serious problem. Let’s go through the comparison now, shall we? (Rhetorical question, you don’t really have a say in this at all.)


Puppies: Piss and shit anywhere they want. Which is usually where you least want them to. PROS: Can’t really think of any. CONS: Everything.

Babies: Piss and shit in a contained, polyethylene, disposable sack with two pieces of tape holding it all in. PROS: Keyword: disposable. CONS: Keyword: rots forever in landfill.

VERDICT: Babies-1, Puppies-0


Puppies: Dependent on you for at most 15 years. PROS: Not too short, not too long. CONS: Something is dependent on you, and therefore you are not free.

Babies: Dependent on you for 18 years MINIMUM!! PROS: Something is dependent on you, and therefore your life is not completely worthless. CONS: This kid is going to suck the life, and bank account balance, right out of you.

VERDICT: Babies-1, Puppies-1


Puppies: Act cute, look cute. PROS: Who doesn’t like cute? CONS: What are they hiding?!

Babies: Look cute. PROS: Again, who doesn’t appreciate cute? CONS: All they do is sit there like a blob. A baby blob. BORING!

VERDICT: Babies-1, Puppies-2


Puppies: Eat dog food. PROS: Pretty consistent. CONS: Unappetizing smell, to put it lightly. Expensive. Also I read somewhere that the meat used in dog food consumed by Americans alone is enough to feed a small Third World country.

Babies: Eat breast milk. PROS: Cheap, makes your boobs bigger, allows you to eat more calories. CONS: Leakage, soreness, and you can’t get drunk.

VERDICT: Babies-2, Puppies-2


Puppies: You go to the humane society and adopt them. No one gets hurt. PROS: Easy as stealing candy from a.. puppy? CONS: Humane societies smell kind of funny, and one could argue, the cost of gas to drive there.

Babies: You have sex, get knocked up, are pregnant for almost a year, are in labor for 23 hours, and pass the thing out of your body. Sounds like lots and lots of hurt. Your body and va-jay-jay are never the same again. PROS: I guess one could argue the sex, if it was amazing sex. CONS: HOLY SHIT! Why would anyone DO that to themselves?!?!?!?!













FINAL VERDICT: Babies-2, Puppies-1,000,002


I’m making an appointment tomorrow to get my tubes tied.

You stay sexy now! (But please, use some form of birth control!)


P.S. I discovered this music video as I wrote this, and thought it was fitting.