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July 14, 2008


madonna_chains_narrowweb__300x4210.jpg Madonna’s brother Christopher Ciccone has released a tell-all book revealing juicy secrets about his superstar sister. Below are twelve highlights from Life with My Sister Madonna .

On her embarrassing influences: "She'd never admit it, but Madge has a Carly Simon tattoo on her right upper thigh.”

On Guy Ritchie’s homophobia: “Madonna’s husband clearly doubts his own heterosexuality. Every time he urinates he calls his thumb and forefinger ‘Faggot One’ and ‘Faggot Two.’ Not cool.”

On Madonna's unusual hobbies: “Madonna spends two hours every night before bed designing old-fashioned miniature doll's clothing. She prefers turn-of-the-century women's wear: broom skirts, brooches and hats with feathers. She is a traditionalist at heart."

On Madge’s eccentricities: “In her early twenties my sister went through a phase where she called her vagina Tracy. Tracy became a two-pack-a-day smoker and was a free-lance copywriter in Manhattan for two years. Thankfully, Tracy and I still speak on the phone every day and she continues to be a source of comfort and inspiration during this difficult time with Madonna.”

On her secret lovers: "It's no secret that my big sis went through her share of men, but not all of them went public. Early in her career, Maddy had a secret affair with Harry Dean Stanton. They spent six sex-fueled weeks together, making love and eating donuts.”

On Kabbalah:  “One of the little known tenants of the mystic religion is to speak in the cartoonishly stereotypical accent of a Jerry Lewis Jew.  I was stunned when upon entering the kitchen to her London estate to hear my sister exclaim, ‘Oy vey! Vat is it vish da shkinny?!  Your little punim looks so schmall what with the hoydle and the boydle! You want I should make you a nice coogle?!’ I found it cloying and disrespectful.”

On Fashion: “I’m addicted to Frat parties. The inspiration for Madonna’s famous cone bra look during the “Blonde Ambition” tour came to me when I saw two beer bong funnels side by side.”

On Warren Beatty: “My sisters relationship with the famous Hollywood ladies’ man ended when he found out that she had more STD’s than him. Mr. Beatty does not like to lose.”

On Her Career-Defining “Like a Virgin” MTV Performance: "I remember I was backstage with Madonna for that show. She had explosive diarrhea that day - the kind that goes from brown to green and feels like you're peeing out of your butt. I told her whatever she did, to keep it inside her. She ended up writhing in pain all over the stage, and all I kept thinking was, Oh my God she's wearing white. But she pulled it off. And then ran backstage, asked me to cup my hands and shat in them."

Early Signs of Business Savvy: “When she was 12 Madonna set up a lemonade stand to earn money. She had the foresight to hire a 6 year-old Timbaland to produce the stand and gay back-up dancers to lift her in the air while she poured. She made $300 in one weekend and retained the rights to any and all future lemonade sales.”

League Of Their Own: “On the set of the 1992 movie Madonna had to keep an irate Rosie O’Donnell from beating the shit out of Tom Hanks when he unwittingly took the last quesadilla from Craft Services.”

On His Critics: “Contrary to what people will no doubt say, I didn’t write this book to cash in on my sister’s fame. The real reason I wrote this book was to cash in on my sister’s fame. Ummm, shit.”