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August 31, 2015
Published
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What if the killer from Saw got the wrong victim? Finally! A script that answers that very question.

JIGSAW:

I wanna play a game. For years you’ve watched as others around you have
suffered.

(a beat)

Don’t interrupt me.

(a beat)

No, I have the right girl. You’re Karen, right? 11833 Gilmore St?

(a beat)

You’re subletting? Oh shit! That’s right, Karen’s in Costa Rica! Okay, well, what’s your name?

(a beat)

Beatrice? Okay, Beatrice…have you watched for years as others around you
have suffered?

(a beat)

What do you mean, sort of?

(a beat)

Where do you volunteer?

(a beat)

I didn’t realize dogs got cancer, but yeah, that makes sense, if it’s alive it
can get cancer, right? Okay, well, that’s not the kind of watching of suffering I meant. Did you like, do you do heroine ever or like, overeat?

(a beat)

No? Nothing, huh?

(a beat)

Of course you run marathons for charity! Okay, fine, we’ll get ya out of there, can you…you probably can’t get out of those shackles, right?

(a beat)

Of course not, I built them. Okay, let’s see here, cause the thing is those spikes that are above your head are on a timer and I would love to just come and let you out but I’m kind of in a warehouse right now. Not gonna tell you which one, but let’s just say it’s a bit of a trek to get there, especially in the time allotted. There IS another option however. Now, I’m gonna turn on the light, you have to promise not to freak out. I mean, you can freak out but try not to scream okay?

(a beat)

Promise?

(a beat)

Now, I told you not to scream, Beatrice!

(a beat)

I don’t know if it’s your dead dad, I thought it was Karen’s dead dad, but now I don’t know whose dead dad it is! Anyways he’s not dead, he’s just almost dead, there’s a key in his artery on the left side of his neck, if you dig it out…

(a beat)

Okay, okay! We’ll think of some other way. How do we get you outta there?Hmmm…

(a beat)

No, Beatrice, I’m not gonna call my landlord, I don’t want her to know I have cats! Here, maybe I can get to you in time, I’ll google map it. What’s the timer in front of you say?

(a beat)

47 minutes? Okay, well, yeesh, that’s a lot of red, so google maps is saying about 49 minutes, I AM on my scooter, so I could split lanes, but I really hate to do that, it’s so scary. Okay! Okay! Geeze! Alright, I’m gonna head out, I should be there soon, knock on wood! Okay, I’m leaving right now…

(a beat)

Oh, hey, in case I don’t get there in time, Do you by chance know when Karen’s getting back?

(a beat)

March 15? Are you serious?!

(a beat)

Shit, I’m at a wedding that weekend. I already sent the RSVP. Alright, okay, I’m coming! Lemme just hop in the shower right quick…

(a beat)

I’m KIDDING! Jesus, Beatrice, have a sense of humor. I feel bad for those cancer dogs…

BLACK OUT

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