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March 20, 2015

Zayn Malik has announced that he is stepping down from One Direction’s current tour of Asia.Here are some possible reasons why.

Zayn Malik, aka the “swarthy one” in superstar boy band One Direction, has announced that he is stepping down from the Asian leg of the group’s current world tour. Though the official reason is “stress,” 1D fans are speculating that he might actually be trying to win back his girlfriend after being photographed holding hands with another woman, or possibly dealing with a marijuana charge. Here are some other possible reasons for his sudden departure:

  • Hates Asians
  • Wants to follow One Direction around on tour
  • Tempted by the vast network of hand-holding brothels in Thailand
  • Irreconcilable sames
  • Finally got that residency offer from Johns Hopkins Center for Neurosurgery Research
  • To further pursue his true passion of being a little bitch
  • Exceeded the band’s strict 5’ 8” height limit
  • Sick of rolling off the top of their five-story bunk bed
  • Routine band downsizing has started in reverse alphabetical order
  • Record label–mandated smoulder training
  • Listened to the new Kendrick Lamar album and just quit music
  • Parents concluded those other boys a bad influence
  • ISIS got him! ISIS got Zayn!
  • There’s only so long anyone could take being the sole Pepsi drinker in a band of diehard Coke fiends
  • Tired of Harry Styles always leaving the toilet seat up in the tour bus