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March 31, 2016
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The most surprising statistics don't come from the players, but from mascots failing to live up to expectations.

The big game is tonight, and thus far the tournament has yielded some pretty surprising statistics. But the most unpredictable stats are not that Villanova held the Kansas bench to 0 points. And they’re not that UNC’s Marcus Paige is hitting 48% of his threes. Rather, the most surprising statistics come from the mascots failing to live up to my expectations. Check out the stats below:


0 Mascots Have Fought Each Other For Real

Tensions are high and plenty of Mascots have postured as if willing to fight, but none have moved to actually attack. And considering who we’ve had in the same room, this is straight up unbelievable. In what world do a hawk and a wildcat occupy the same space without fighting?! Only in the disappointing world of college basketball.


0 Mascots Have Been Kidnapped

I’ve seen it in movies and on TV and at this point I’ve come to expect it in real life. College students, what are you spending your time doing? Does school spirit mean nothing to you? I mean, how hard is it to kidnap a terrapin? Turtles are slow!


0 Mascots Have Given Me A Free T-Shirt

And don’t tell me I have to buy tickets and go to games to get a free T-shirt from a mascot! Because honestly (creeps, don’t make me regret writing this) I live near the Barclays center and they have games there and no mascots were ever outside the stadium handing out ANYTHING, let alone a T-shirt.


0 Mascots Have Done Halftime Tricks Spectacular Enough To Cause The Network To Stop The Halftime Game Analysis And Cut To The Mascot’s Performance

Mascots can do flips. Mascots can dunk. Mascots have trampolines. And yet no mascot has performed well enough to show up the commentators talking about basketball? I just can’t wrap my head around it. They are wasting their talents and their trampolines.


0 Mascots Are Live Animals That Have Gotten Loose And Caused A Delay Of Game

This stat is so surprising I didn’t even believe it when I heard it. I mean, The Ducks made it to the Elite Eight! And the fact that we’ve had multiple teams in the tournament called The Bulldogs and no loose real bulldogs sauntering across the court is a travesty. A travesty.

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