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June 02, 2011

A perfectly ordinary speech by non-candidate Sarah Palin erupts into violence at Altamont.


Right-leaning political junkies of all stripes came together yesterday afternoon to listen to a speech by beauty contestant/broadcaster/politician/author/reality TV star/Tea Party Exploiter/prolific procreator Sarah Palin at the currently unused Altamont Raceway Park in Northern California.

The event, however, was to turn ugly when an altercation near the stage led to a fight and a riot which ended in four deaths and a currently unknown number of injuries.

Many of the injuries were from gunshots and "pistol-whipping."

Palin has been touring the country making numerous public appearances and speeches which, if she is not going to actually run for President (which she has not decided yet) serves no purpose other than to stroke her waning celebrity.
The unpleasantness happened in the middle of a speech by Palin praising the “American Values” of Christianity, gun-ownership rights and free enterprise. As Palin spoke, a young man named Meredith Thompson, a member of the Objectivist Society at UC Berkley, was attacked and pistol-whipped to death by a group of “BAMs,” or Born-Again Motorcyclists positioned around the front of the stage.

The BAMs were allegedly hired as security for Palin and the other speakers at the event, though the former Alaska governor’s representative Ty Erikson denies this.


News footage shot at the event later proved that Thompson was acting erratically, and survivors of the event who were near the stage say that the young libertarian was apparently “high on his own inflated sense of self,” and attempted to climb the stage to get closer to Palin.

The BAMs then pulled him off of the stage and pushed him back, after which Thompson said some things to them that, according to one observer, “was not very ‘godly,’ which caused the BAMs to decide to beat the holy shit out of him.”

Things got dicey when both Thompson and the BAMs pulled out firearms.

In fact, according to event organizer Ralph “Speedy” DeMize, nearly everyone at the event was armed.

“And why not?” said DeMize, who himself was shot twice in the shoulder at the Raceway, “We certainly have a constitutional right to do so.”

At least fifty people were wounded and four died, including Thompson and two members of the gay Republican “Log Cabin Coalition,” who were apparently beaten to death with bibles, a practice known as "bible-whipping."

Sarah Palin has made no public statement about the incident but Erikson says that there was no fault on Palin or her organization’s fault.


  “I guess when you put evangelical bikers and libertarians together it’s inevitable that some caps are going to get busted,” said DeMize.

“However, there were five births at the event and only four deaths, so praise Jesus.”