1) This Nickslusive Episode Is Pointless

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Aaaaaaaaaaaand WE. ARE. BACK! This episode is all Nick all the time and it could’ve been a five-minute montage. Nothing really happened and zero of the many loose ends from the mid-season finale were addressed. Hey, what’s the opposite of moving the plot forward? Taking it backwards! That’s right, this is also a flashback episode! Congrats to the writing team on somehow making negative progress. We never needed a backstory on how Nick (a heroin addict) found himself relapsing in an abandoned church with his junkie girlfriend. That’s just where heroin addicts go and that’s just what heroin addicts do! It would be like spending half an episode showing us how a bird wound up flying. My brain can make the leap just fine to figure out how it got there.

2) Baseball Bat Alarm Clock

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Feels good to finally see someone on one of these shows get hit in the head with a baseball bat! Wrong show and wrong bat, but it’s a start. I can’t think of a worse way to be woken up than being repeatedly hit in the head with a baseball bat except maybe by watching this episode first thing on a Monday morning which is exactly how my day began. I think both achieve the same effect on a human brain. Run away, Nick! Don’t worry about losing your water supply, you’re in Mexico and if there’s one thing that place is known for it’s plenty of safe drinking water.

3) Danger Things

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I’m a white guy with Netflix so needless to say I enjoyed Stranger Things a lot and I think it’s great this show decided to do some Stranger Things things. Like a throwback radio that turns on by itself and a kid running through the woods from bad guys with guns. Now go eat some Eggo waffles, bud! You’re practically skin and bones! And gross clothes and even grosser hair.

4) Cactus Cooler

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Day 5 of Zombie Burning Man. Things are not going according to plan.

Gee whiz, gang. I didn’t graduate with a PHD in desert water from cactus college, but I still managed to guess that shoving mashed up cactus into your mouth might not be the thirst quenching experience Nick was hoping for. Oh, well. Better drink your own urine! I like how he takes a second to decide if it’s bad and then he realizes it’s not so bad. Like a kid trying sushi for the first time or your mom finally figuring out how emojis work.

5) Dog Alarm Clock

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If there’s a takeaway from this worthless episode, it’s don’t go to sleep in Mexico because you’re going to get woken up by a baseball bat to the head or a dog eating your leg. But it’s not all bad! There’s some excellent cuisine south of the border, like a skinless dog that’s been picked apart by zombies.

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Gross, Nick. So gross. Stop being grossssss. Ew. Also, super dangerous? Rolling the dice a lot these days, what with all the zombie blood you’re constantly covered in and consuming raw dog meat soaked in walker saliva. Whatever. I can’t live your life for you, be the best version of yourself and put one bloody foot in front of the other.

6) Belt Is My New Favorite Character

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Thanks to reader Dane for a heads up last night about my new favorite character: Belt. Wow. Finally a compelling, and also dynamic, character we can sink our mental teeth into as a community of discerning viewers. Where has Belt been and where is Belt going? What did Belt have to sacrifice to get there? Did Belt’s dad (Papa Belt) also die in a car accident that was mysteriously never mentioned until this episode? Sure. Why not. AND BEFORE ANY OF YOU POINT OUT IN THE COMMENTS (I read them all) THE VERY OBVIOUS, LET’S HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH IT, SYMBOLISM THAT NICK USED TO USE A BELT TO DO HEROIN BUT NOW HE IS USING A BELT TO BITCH LIMP 60 MILES THROUGH THE MEXICAN DESERT let me assure you that I went to college for 4.5 years to earn a useless media studies and yeah I somehow didn’t pick up on this. Someone had to explain it to me. Now I’m explaining it to you by way of apophasis, which is a word I learned over the weekend. I’m not sure I used it correctly. How did you guys go a whole summer without these super important recaps?

7) These Deaths Could’ve Been Avoided + Nick Didn’t Take The Guns

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Just when you’re beginning to like these generic cartel movie extras and their cool jeep and cool guns and cool “stab eyes first, ask preguntas never” attitude, 66% of them die the most easily preventable deaths ever. First of all, there are way too many zombies in this herd for the three of them to take out. They should’ve gone a different direction, gone around them, or done literally anything else besides what they did. Starting a podcast in the middle of the highway called “Road Chats With The Jeep Boyz” would’ve been a better course of action. And then the leader (definitely not upper management material) stands there and let’s the zombies eat him?

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Enjoy signing autographs at Comic-Cons for the rest of your life, Neck Bite Cartel Bad Guy!

Can’t say I agree with his decision making here. Then his bro thinks it looks like fun so he lets these friendly travelers have a snack as well? GEE. WHIZ. GANG. Jeep homie is the only one sensible enough to use the getaway car.

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Skirt skirt skirt, like a private school for zombies.

There was ample of room in that Jeep, you guys! You could all still be alive murdering dying randoms in parked cars. At least their deaths mean Nick can now take their very useful guns. BUT HE DOESN’T. HE DOES NOT TAKE EITHER OF THEIR USEFUL GUNS. Jesus, Nick! You could’ve covered the guns in blood if it made you more comfortable. Speaking of blood, did you notice the amount of face blood these people had?

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Nick. All you need to do is apply some light streaks of blood; you don’t have to always look like you’re sitting in the Splash Zone at Sea World moments after Shamu committed seppuku. Less is more, especially when applying rotting organs to your face. Watch some face blood makeup tutorials on Zombie YouTube, practice makes perfect.

8) Magic Laundry Detergent Rain

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I’ve covered this before in one of my first recaps of that other show I watch that’s on at the same time on the same channel just during different parts of the year, but DRINKING RAIN DOES NOT ACTUALLY WORK. We’ve been lied to about it for ages in movies and TV and anyone who’s tried it knows you don’t get any significant amount of water in your mouth. Also, you shouldn’t drink this rain at all because it’s apparently raining laundry detergent with bleach from the sky as Nick’s shirt is clean 10 seconds into the storm. You may recall this is not the first time water on this show got blood out of Nick’s clothing eerily fast. It’s almost like they think we’re dumb. Wait. Yeah, that’s it, they think we are dumb. They’re right. We’re still watching, so they’re right. We are dumb dumbs.

9) Salazar Lite

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Salazar, is that you? This guy kind of looks like Salazar, especially the way he seems to enjoy Nick’s suffering during his torture medicine. Classic Salazar. This bro and Salzy should open up a combo medical clinic/haircut spot. You can get your edges lined up while they bandage your dog wounds! I could be a millionaire by now if I only stopped giving away all my good ideas for free.

10) Soccer Should Help That Leg

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Nick, the doc VERY CLEARLY told you not to put any weight on your leg. I don’t think a game of soccer is going to do you any favors. I’m glad kids playing soccer made the cut for the 360-degree tour of Mexican stereotypes. Are people really selling used stereo equipment and “I Ate The Worm At Señor Frogs!” shirts in the zombie apocalypse? Sure. Fuck it. We need to get back to normal sooner or later! I’ve got a great feeling about this settlement and it definitely won’t burn to the ground during the season two finale. JOIN US NEXT WEEK! Will we spend an entire episode on just one character? Quite possibly. It’s in the AMC official playbook of good ideas! Will “Road Chat With The Jeep Boyz” be the most listened to podcast ever? It’s trending that way. Am I glad to be back writing these? Yes! Kinda. It’s bittersweet! Like sex with a friend or eating Lucky Charms for dinner because you’re broke. None of this and more on S02E09 of Fear The Walking Dead!