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August 11, 2015

An Email From Your Fantasy Football Commissioner About This Year's League



From: GridironGuy85@gmail.com
To: Fantasy-League-Group@googlegroups.com
Subject: Are you ready for some football, fantasy that is haha?!

Hey gang,

It’s that time of year again: Fantasy Football, baby! A few things are changing this time around to try to make our league even better. For starters, I am taking over as commissioner this year. Kevin had to step down after 4 years of service because he had a baby last month and apparently having babies make you a big fat PUSSY (just kidding, Kevin, my best to you and Rebecca!).

Now, a few things I want to cover in this email:

First off, how many of you are actually going to participate for the whole season this year?
No more beating around the bush, you guys. Last year 7 of the 12 teams went into week 10 with like 4 or 5 injured starters. I mean, Jake D., you had freaking Montee Ball starting every week and he injured his freaking groin 3 games into the season! I’m not trying to be school principal over here (that’s that piece of shit Tyler’s job!) (Haha, just kidding Tyler, hope you’re getting ready for a good year over at Clovernook Middle, I know my twins are looking forward to starting 2nd grade!) All I’m saying is you gotta keep up with your roster this season or else don’t even play, you know what I mean? And let me know if you aren’t going to be able to keep up because my friend Gerald at work wants in and he has the DirectTV package and can get me cheap tires, so I’d like to get on his good side :)

Secondly, When should we hold the draft?
The Draft! The draft is my favorite night of every year and this year is going to be awesome. The following are conflicts that you guys have sent into me:

–Kerry says she can’t make it Sept. 5-8 because she’s going to California to pick up a used car she bought on eBay.
–Jake D. said he has to be home by 9pm on weeknights because his daughter has a curfew and she keeps breaking it and he wants to do that move where he turns the couch toward the door after 9pm so he can sit there with his arms folded and look real angry and intimidating when he catches her coming home late.
–T-Bone can’t do Thursdays because he mows his lawn on Thursdays and he has one of those gigantic lawns where you can’t believe any possible way someone mows the whole thing in one day. But he does.
–Stacey is in the hospital til Sept. 8th after having a “horse accident” during her trip to North Carolina. I have no other details.
–Dinger just bought a boat and he will be out on the lake and unavailable “till sunset most nights.”
–And J.T. actually became a baptized Catholic this past Spring so no Sunday mornings for him. Good for you J.T.!

Subquestion: Where should we hold the draft?
The BW-3’s in Finneytown was great last year but I’m up for changing because it might be awkward after T-Bone slept with our waitress last time and probably gave her goddamn herpes (haha sorry T-Bone, I know you don’t have herpes, I just had to call you out for boning that waitress last year. Excited to meet your new girlfriend at the Labor Day cookout, my wife says she’s cute!).

Here are the requirements for the draft, if you know of any venues that fit this criteria let me know.
–Strong Wi-Fi (We don’t want a repeat of Dave’s fucking shitty “house draft” from 2011 when only 3 people could connect to the internet at a time! Just kidding Dave, I love the new garden you and Stephanie put in front of your house!
–Chips and Dips
–Porno mags (JUST KIDDING! Haha you wish, Dinger!)
–Weed and a big bong

Team Name Changes
A few issues came to the surface last year with respect to team names so I decided to just not allow any “_ blank_ is a _blank _” team names. For instance: these names from last year are no longer allowed:
–Jake D.‘s team “Stacey is a thong”
–Steve’s team “Dave is a thong-sniffer”
–T-Bone’s team “Troy’s wife Liz is a size XL thong-wearer”
It’s like, come on guys, we can be more creative than this.

And finally, Money, cha-ching!
The buy-in this year will be $20 again. Money is due to my PayPal account by draft day. And guys, let’s get the money in this time. I know Kevin covered most of your dues last time but I won’t do that because I’m not a big fat pussy like Kevin (not kidding this time).

Yours in fantasy,
“Commissioner” Jimmy