Hey guys, sorry for slacking here. Been busy. You can check out my other blog when I am MIA here.
* Britney Spears, mom of two, wants to release a series of workout videos to help her fans get fit just like she did. She claims to have been inspired by Jane Fonda's old exercise tapes.
In an exclusive interview during production of her first workout tape, Britney, wearing a leopard printed leotard, shouts to her overweight fellow mommies, "Alright y'all, step one, ditch those little bastards and send them to live with their daddies. That's gonna take a lot of weight right off the top, with such little effort. Y'all don't need no ankle biters weighing you down! Alright girls, step two... open your legs really wide! That's right! And one, and two... air out that hot sweaty va-jay-jay! Open and close. Close and open. Don't keep 'em open too long or you'll just wind up with another little bastard and a whole 'nother 80 pounds to lose. Come on y'all make it burn like Chlamydia when you pee."
Sources close to the reporter covering this story say, "That was worse than covering Shock and Awe in Bagdad. Undesirable body parts flinging about and whatnot. We had to get out of there!"
* NEW YORK — Burger King announced it is now cooking with trans fat free cooking oils at all of its restaurants. But don't say goodbye to your flab tabs just yet, burger lovers. There's still plenty of shit in the food to keep you from ever wasting your burger budget buying skinny jeans.
Sources close to my former fast food loving, fat ass self say, "When their ad campaign introduced the creepy king, I knew I had to wean myself off of that crap. If the commercials were like a bad trip on acid, I could only imagine what consuming their food was doing to my insides."
* TRAVERSE CITY — President Bush approved an agreement stating the Great Lakes water cannot be diverted to thirsty areas elsewhere in the United States.
Sources close to Great Lake water drinking locals say, "Thanks to George W. Bush, all of those corpses that wash ashore every year will be allowed to stay local. I'd hate to think of strangers in a strange place drinking my body floatin' remains if that was me dead in there."
* SYDNEY — Zoo officials are planning to sue the parents of a 7-year-old, sadistic little freak of a child, who broke into an Outback zoo and fed animals to a giant crocodile. The boy allegedly jumped a security fence, then went on a 30-minute killing spree, bashing several lizards to death with a rock and feeding them to a 440-pound saltwater crocodile. The boy also threw several live animals over the fences surrounding the crocodile's enclosure.
Sources close to my common sense and compassion say, "Holy shit! A 7-year-old, really? Where the hell were this kid's parents? 'I think I'll sneak off to the zoo and kill some animals.' Who does that?"
Sources close to the therapist who will treat the boy will likely say, "It was TV and video games that caused all of this."
* CASCADE TOWNSHIP — A man is charged with videotaping a co-worker using a breast pump while at work.
Sources close to Gregory Mannino, the pervert who was charged say, "He was simply doing research for Ben & Jerry's new deal with PETA. "Wanda Worker Wet Nurse Walnut Surprise" is expected to hit supermarket shelves in time for Christmas.