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Well, yes, see, I have this mermaid friend and her name is Biddyboom. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and needed a place to crash for a while. We've known each other casually for about a year or so, having met on a belly button lint enthusiasts website. So I filled my bathtub up and told her she'd be welcome at my apartment.

Well, welcome by me, at least. Because, as awesome as my wife is, she can be quite prejudiced at times. I mean, you can't even mention mermaids when she's in earshot. See, she was bullied by some minnows as a child and that affected her dealings with sea-creatures for the rest of her life. Anyway, I knew that if she discovered Biddyboom in our friendly domicile, then the shit would really hit the fish tank. In other words, she would freak the fuck out.

I had to distract her. The first thing I did was place lamps with green light bulbs all over the bathroom. When my wife came home, I turned out all the lights in our place except for the ones in the bathroom and told her that it was radioactive. But she soon tired of bathing in the little wading pool that I had installed in the living room and reminded me that when we were dating we used to stick each other in the microwave and turn it on all the time. We had survived and therefore, were probably immune to radioactivity. Well, I had to come clean about the bathroom and admit that I had been protecting her. From the portal to hell that wold devour her and suck her into nothingness forever if she opened the door. But this "hell in our bathroom" ploy only lasted a few days and now she has the number of a good hairdresser that her exorcist recommended to her. I have no idea what she means by this, but I'm getting nervous.

Does anyone perhaps have a spare swimming pool or pond or something where Biddyboom can crash? I don't know how long I can keep this up.

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