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October 21, 2015
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How to get neighborhood children to trick or treat at your house if you live next to a porno store

Now that I’m too old to trick-or-treat myself, a more than sufficient consolation is seeing all the children in my neighborhood run from stoop to stoop in their adorable costumes, piercing the crisp autumn air with their laughter and squeals of “trick-or-treat!”

But there’s one problem: I live next to a porno store.

And when you live next to a porno store, kids don’t want to trick-or-treat at your house.

I mean, I get it. But also it’s not like I’m luring the kids into the porno store and showing them naked tits and peeners. They could very easily come to my doorstep, get their candy, and go back the way they came. Avoiding the porno altogether.

But we live in an age of helicopter parents and porno-skittish youngsters, so it’s been a struggle to get kids and their parents to come trick-or-treat at my place since I moved in 4 years ago. But it is possible if you’re willing to go the extra mile.

I’ve decided to use this space to share a few tips with anyone else who wants trick-or-treaters to come to their door this Halloween even though they live next to a porno store.


Don’t call any EXTRA attention to the porno store next door.
I get it, your first instinct is to tell children and their parents to “not worry about” the shady porno store that’s 10 feet away. Trust me, that just gets them looking in the direction of the porno store. And once that happens, the fish is off the hook. Unless you’re asked a direct question about the porno store, it’s best to just act like it’s some forgettable, inoffensive place not even worth looking at, like an abandoned parking lot or a Sears.

Put a big sign that says “No Porno Here” out on your front gate.
A little on the nose, I know, but there’s no need for subtlety when it comes to letting children and their parents know that there won’t be any porno at your place. All the porno will be next door, where porno is supposed to be.

Get brighter neon lights than the porno store next door
The problem with porno stores is that they use bright neon lights that tend to grab a child’s attention. A string of orange Christmas lights and a candle in a Jack-O-Lantern just can’t compete. Pull out all the stops, hang up every neon light you can get your hands on. If that means hanging up the St. Pauli Girl neon bar sign that you told your wife you threw out, then that’s just what you gotta do.

King Size is king.
Before you even think about luring children up to a doorstep that’s right next to a porno store, you’re going to have to promise the moon, candy-wise. King size candy bars are always gold but, these days, gift certificates to kid-favorite places like Applebee’s and Best Buy work well too. And I know the parents won’t be disappointed either. ;)

Decorate, decorate, decorate!
One night every year we get to dip our toe into the spooky otherworld of ghosts, goblins, and synchronized dancing skeletons. Naturally, kids will be more attracted to houses that deliver on this fantasy. And that goes double for places that are right next to dirty old porno stores. Simply put: It’s way easier to divert attention away from the “Braless Blonde Babes 4” posters hanging in the porno store windows if your porch looks like a no-holds-barred, professional haunted house.

Play a CD of scary sounds to cover up the “porno store sounds.”
If you live next to a porno store you know what I’m talking about. Scary Halloween sound CD’s can be bought online.

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