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August 12, 2012

The Top 10 Most Extreme Bad Ass Movie Characters of all time.

10. Mick Dundee ( Crocodile Dundee)

This dude is the definition of a bad-ass. I wonder if he ever wrestled in High school. He probably didn't. He was probably like," What do I do here? Wrestle kids that weigh the same as me. No thanks. That's not quite extreme enough. I think instead I am going to jump in that swamp over there and fuck up those 800 pound Crocodiles." I can only hope that one day, I can be half the man that Mick Dundee is. We're pretty far apart now though. Especially because there was this one time a few years ago, I was at a barbeque, and a june bug flew into my face. I shook it off, but then it flew into my hand. It caused me to drop my hot dog, and then like 4 more june bugs swarmed in on it, and I just stood there and watched it happen. Mick dundee bullies crocodiles, and I get my lunch stolen by fucking june bugs. I still think about that hot dog from time to time. It was the one that got away.


9. Mitchell Goosen ( Airborne)

When he first moved to Cincinnati to live with his weirdo cousin Wily, poor Mitchell got no respect. All the cool kids thought he was so dorky, because he wore sandals and called everyone bra. That was before they found out about his sweet rollerblading skills though. Yeah... rollerblading. That's what the cool kids at that school did for some reason. Once they saw his moves, everything changed. They needed him for the big race against their rivals from Central High. They were about to do what all rival schools do, and have a rollerblading race down Devil's backbone. Mitchell was clearly the best skater and all the cool kids slowly started to recognize the skills. He even earned the respect of Snake. Snake, according to Wily, was the most bad-ass kid at school. He's probably right. Anyone named after a reptile is automatically bad ass. Think about it, Snake, Gator, Lizard, Frog..... Well actually frog doesn't really work. Forget that I said lizard too. They were both bad examples.


8. Regina George ( Mean Girls)


If you dared to cross this broad you would wind up in the Burn Book for sure. If there's one thing about the Burn Book you need to know, it's that if you're in it, you are definitely not Fetch. She owned that school. She was a boss. It didn't matter who you were. Even if your father invented Toaster Strudels, and you're arguably hotter than Regina, you still would show her respect. In fact Regina was such an intimidating character, that it caused Lindsay Lohan to develop a nasty drug habit. Lindsay couldn't handle being around Regina's swag. Can you use swag to describe females? I guess you can. Even if you can't...fuck it I'm doing it anyway. That chick had mad swag...



7. Splinter (TMNT)

At first I was going to pick a ninja turtle. Either Raphael or Michealangelo, but it was impossible to pick between the two. Then I realized that Splinter was way more bad-ass than any of the turtles. Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a rat to learn karate? Much less, be able to turn around and teach it to four adolescent immature turtles. Splinter was a mack. He wasn't too flashy. He didn't brag about all the ass-whoopings he'd handed out. He just lived in the sewer and held it down like a boss. Plus I give him a lot of credit for breaking down the rodent barriers. Splinter was a pioneer. Before him, rats had no place in Hollywood. Unless they were in Richard Gere's dressing room.




6. Ren McCormack ( Footloose)

It takes a lot of nerve to impose your own will an an entire town, but that's exactly what Ren did. He was all like, " If that dickweed Reverend thinks he's going to keep me from dancing he has another thing coming." Ren wanted to dance, so he danced, and anybody who got in his way got dealt with. Oh you want to fight? We can do that. Oh you want to have a chicken race with tractors? We can do that. Oh you want to piss me off so bad that I drive to an abandoned warehouse and do gymnastics? We can do that. The cool guy Chuck and his buddies tried to break Ren's spirit, but failed. Ren ended up banging Chuck's girl Ariel, and hooked her friend Seabiscuit.... I mean Sarah Jessica Parker with Willard ( Chris Penn). By the end of the movie he was the coolest kid in Bomont, and the most bad-ass.



5. Colonel Nathan Jessup ( A Few good men)

Golly-Gee this dude was intense. He eats breakfast 300 yards from 4000 Cubans who are trained to kill him, so don't think for one second that you can go to him, flash a badge, and make him nervous. He ordered code reds more often than I order Domino's, and when he talked you listened. There's something about the way he delivers a speech that intimidates the crap out of you. I don't know if it's his furrowed brow or the way his nostrils flare while he's screaming at you, but it gets your attention. He could read the book "Go Dog Go" , and it would terrify you. By the way, why don't they make that book into a movie already? I mean....who wouldn't want to watch dogs drive race cars? Oh, and they should make it in 3D. That would be sweet.

4. Beatrix Kiddo ( Kill Bill)

See... Now this is what happens when you name your kid Beatrix. All of the endless torment and ridicule from the other kids in grade school, caused her to start hanging out with the wrong crowd and start killing people with swords. She put an awful lot of blood on that sword. You know it takes a bad-ass to earn Hattorio Hanzo's respect. I can't believe she tried leaving the Deadly vipers, and marrying that dude. Can you imagine what her life would be like had Bill actually let her go through with it? I wonder if her fiance had any clue that she was a world class assassin. He probably didn't, but he would've found out eventually. One day years down the road, Beatrix comes home in a bad mood. Her boss is breathing down her neck about the Watson account. Then she steps on a lego piece, because junior never cleans up his fucking mess. She tries to compose herself, but then she goes to the bathroom and notices it. Her husband left the toilet seat down. Not only that, but there's piss all over the seat, because he's a dude. He doesn't give a shit. Beatrix says fuck it she'll just wipe the pee off the seat herself. Then she sees that there's no toilet paper, because he forgot to replace the roll for like the twentieth time this month. Then it happens... she snaps and rips out his eyeball and shoves it up his ass. Can you imagine if your eyeball was in your ass? I'd rather be dead.




3. Ron Burgundy ( Anchorman)


I don't quite know how to say this, but Ron is kind of a big deal. He reports the news the way the news was meant to be reported....With class. He is the man of all men, and could bag any chick he wants, including Dorothy Mantooth. He never would though. It lacks class. If something goes down, Ron is one person you want to have on your side. He keeps a set of dumbbells in his office and curls them all the time. He can do over 1000, and if you want to engage in fisticuffs with him, he'll be ready for you with Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary. He is so classy that after he beats you to death, he'll show up at your funeral and play jazz flute for your family and friends.



2. Jules ( Pulp Fiction)

This is one guy that you do not want knocking on your door at 7:00 am, because if he is then you are going to die. Everything you need to know about Jules you can learn by reading the text on his wallet.... Bad Motherfucker. I'm a little pissed that Tarantino didn't give Jules his own sequel. At the end of the movie Jules decided he was going to get out of the game, but come on what was he going to do? Sell insurance or something, I don't think so. Eventually, he would become a hitman again. I could watch an entire movie of him screaming at people, and eating their cheeseburgers....AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE...




The most extreme bad-ass movie character of all time. I mean...really it's not even close. John was born a bad-ass. He has bad-ass in his blood. He's like that one friend you have that you fucking hate, because they seem to just be able to do anything. You know the one I'm talking about. The one who goes out and runs a half marathon. They don't train for it at all, and they show up hungover but still somehow finish with a pretty impressive time. They've never done a sit-up in their life, yet still somehow maintain a healthy six-pack. That's like John Mclane. You can try as hard as you want but you will never be as hardcore or as bad-ass as John. It can't be taught. It's just natural. It's kind of like Shaquille O'Neil holding basketball camps every summer. Come on Shaq, what are you telling these kids. " Ok kids, now all you have to do is grow to be about 7 foot 2 and weigh 375 pounds and you can be just like me." It's not gonna happen. Shaq was born to break backboards. Tiger woods was born to play golf. John Mclane was born to be the biggest bad-ass in the western hemisphere. Yippie- Kay - Yay



Just missed the cut....

Scarface, Jason Bourne, Buzz Lightyear, the entire cast of The Breakfast Club, Alonzo from Training day and the Cobra Kai sensai from Karate Kid