Published December 18, 2013 More Info »
16 Funny Votes
0 Die Votes
Published December 18, 2013

Dear Mr. Cratchit:

Another year come and gone, aye, Cratchit? I couldn’t help notice you put EXTRA coal in the stove this morning. What are you, cold? Put on a coat, for heaven’s sake! 

Cratchit, I wonder: Does a poor bastard such as yourself even realize that one glorious day you could BECOME a Scrooge!? It’s called the American Dream, Cratchit. Allow me to interpret that dream for you…

Perhaps you saw the recent news that, in America, 90 out of every 100 people born poor, like yourself, Cratchit, cannot climb the income ladder despite all their striving? There can be only one explanation for those numbers. Laziness.

Now, Cratchit, I know you want a better life. Sure, you could join a union, but I’m here to tell you that unions are a plague on this land. And if unions are the problem, what then, you may ask, is the solution? It’s very simple. 

Work harder! If you simply work hard and play by the rules, soon you’ll achieve the pinnacle of success: your own tax-free offshore account in the Bank of Cayman—just like old Ebenezer! I might even let you live on my Libertarian island! Think of it: a whole island with just you and your STUFF. Now THAT’S the American Dream, isn’t it, Cratchit?!

You see, once you visualize yourself becoming Scrooge, Cratchit, you begin to think that freedom for SCROOGE equals freedom for CRATCHIT! How could it not? I mean, eventually, right? You’ll just have to trust me on that one. In the meantime, I need you to help me defend freedom by dismantling progressive taxation, regulation, and other forms of tyranny that oppress me. ONLY by working TOGETHER can we make it happen!    

So, Cratchit, stop all this nonsense about working in a heated room, earning a living wage, sending your children to quality public schools where they won’t get shot, eating a nontoxic food supply, finding an affordable house, leaving college without $100K in debt, preventing a global ecological collapse, and getting healthcare for that child of yours with the pre-existing condition. What’s his name, Tim? Yeah. Tiny Tim. 

Merry Christmas, 

Ebenezer Scrooge

P.S. For Christmas, do you think Tiny Tim would like a subscription to the Wall Street Journal?

Further reading, Cratchit, if you care: Americans still believe that America has exceptional mobility, and that's not trueIt's nice to think one can go from being dirt poor to filthy rich, but it doesn't work that wayAmericans enjoy less economic mobility than their peers in Western Europe and Canada. In fact, more income inequality leads to less income mobility. If you want to dive deep into the truth, take a look at Measure of America. Oh, and Bill Moyers, he's one journalist who shines a spotlight on economic inequality. Boy, he must think it's Christmas every day! Oh, and lest I forget, here's the info about the offshore accounts, and my island