16 Funny Votes
0 Die Votes
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Published: December 18, 2013
Description: Scrooge's Christmas letter to Cratchit.

Cratchit:

I couldn’t help notice you put EXTRA coal in the stove this morning. Put on another coat, for Chrissakes!

Apart from the fact that my coal-burning stove is the only heat source in this office, shall I interpret your use of coal as a disavowal of that damn climate change conspiracy you’re always nattering on about?

Cratchit, I wonder: Does a poor bastard such as yourself even realize that one glorious day you could BECOME a Scrooge!? It’s called the American Dream, Cratchit.

Perhaps you saw the recent news that, in America, 90 out of every 100 people born poor—like your children, Cratchit—will not climb the income ladder despite all their striving?

I thought about that long and hard. There can be only one explanation for those numbers. Laziness.

Now, Cratchit, you’re a 1099 contractor-entrepreneur working for me through TaskMaster. Sure, you and the other on-demand stiffs could try to form a union, but I’m here to tell you that unions are a plague on this land. And what, you may ask, is the solution? It’s very simple.

Work harder. If you simply work harder, you’ll get all the nice things you want—someday. Look at me. With only a small loan of $100,000 from my father, I’ve made myself very rich indeed. One day you might even reach the pinnacle of American success: your own tax-free offshore account in the Bank of Cayman! Or a private manmade Libertarian Island! Now THAT’S the American Dream, isn’t it, Cratchit?!

Point being, I need you to visualize yourself becoming me, Cratchit. Once you begin to think that freedom for me is equal to freedom for you, you can help me dismantle progressive taxation, regulation, and all the other forms of tyranny that oppress me.

So, Cratchit, stop all this nonsense about earning a living wage, sending your children to quality public schools where they won’t get shot, eating a nontoxic food supply, finding an affordable house, leaving college without $100K in debt, preventing a global ecological collapse, and getting healthcare for that child of yours with the preexisting condition. What’s his name, Tim? Yeah. Tiny Tim.

Say, for Christmas, do you think Tiny Tim would like a subscription to the Wall Street Journal?

A very Merry Christmas,

Ebenezer Scrooge

Further reading: Americans still believe the country has exceptional income mobility, and that’s not true. Americans enjoy less economic mobility than their peers in Western Europe and Canada. The truth is that more income inequality leads to less income mobility. Oh, and here’s the info about the offshore accounts and islands.

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